Thursday, August 25, 2005

Herbie: Fully Loaded

I usually update around Wednesday or Thursday, and seeing as I don’t plan to see a movie until tomorrow, I really didn’t have much out of the ordinary to talk about. A few people have been asking me to review something that I actually enjoyed, but I’ll leave that for next week or the week after. Right now, it’s time for Herbie: Fully Loaded.

This movie has a lot of potential to a Volkswagen lover like myself. I absolutely adore Volkswagens. All Volkswagens (except the new 2006 Jettas) are beautiful pieces of machinery. No, that’s not right, a Volkswagen is not simply equipment, it is a work of art. I vowed that I would grit my teeth and see this movie, even though I can’t stand Lindsay Lohan (we’ll get to that), simply because it features my absolute favourite vehicles in the world. Let’s have a dreamy sigh and look at a sexy photo of a VW:

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This movie is such a shame. What’s with Hollywood rehashing old TV shows and movies? Dukes of Hazzard (I do love Johnny Knoxville), Bewitched (I do hate Will Ferrell), I Dream of Jeannie, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, The Bad News Bears… It’s quite the fad and I will say that only Chuck and The Chocolate Factory is worth a view. I saw Chuck again, recently, and I have to confirm that the fuckin’ Oompa Loompas ruined the whole goddamn movie.

Now, back to Herb.

Lindsay Lohan gets an old, rusty, nasty (actually pretty cute) looking Herbie as a graduation present, a fixer upper if you will. She gets her friend (take a wild guess, will this “friendship” turn to romance?!) to restore Herbie and… he races in the Daytona 500. Alright, so I cut a few points out of the plot but who really cares? Let’s start bashing Lindsay Lohan.

I saw Parent Trap (the Lindsay version) and it wasn’t half bad for a remake. It made me try Oreos dipped in peanut butter and I must say, although I haven’t had them since the first time I tried them, they weren’t half bad. Go try it. Lindsay has really gone down hill though, and it hasn’t been a graceful fall. In my humble opinion, and it is humble, Lindsay Lohan is the most disgusting celebrity out there. This doesn’t include the obvious choices like Carrot Top, but of the big stars, she’s the nastiest. She is 19 years old but she looks like she’s 47. First of all, she’s a red head. Red heads are fucking nuts. Second of all, she is COVERED in freckles, and I find this to be an absolutely revolting look for her. Third of all, her fluctuating weight and breast size is well, a bit much… She claims that she went through puberty. I guess that’s what they’re calling crack cocaine these days.

When Lindsay is done up for a photo shoot with her freckles airbrushed out and her gaping mouth finally closed, she can look quite presentable but the real Lindsay Ho-han looks much different. Hey, “I’m sure she’s a better person than me” but I don’t really give a fuck.
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Ok, I’ll say something nice: Mean Girls was a good movie and worth a watch. I wouldn’t see Herbie though, it sucks balls, just go look at VWs on Google Images. Oh, and don’t give me shit about it’s “Target Audience”, I don’t care if it was made for 8 year olds, a shitty movie is a shitty movie.

Ps. Next week: Something I like!
Pps. Movies I saw this week: Valiant.
Ppps. Click on that link of Carrot Top. Trust me.
Pppps. FIONA APPLE IS FREE! Go buy her album in stores Oct 4. Sign up for her newsletter and visit her site to see videos and listen to music. This is going to be an amazing album, keep your knickers on.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Ben Stiller

Anyone who knows anything about me knows about my extreme and undying hatred towards Ben Stiller. Yes, I’ve seen “Zoolander” and yes, I still hate him. Not only do I hate his looks, his personality, his writing, his directing, his producing, his wife, his clothes, his Jewishness but I also hate his friends.

Owen Wilson, Vince Vaughn, Will Ferrell, Christine Taylor, Rip Torn, Jack Black, and Vince fucking Vaughn. I know, I said him twice.

Ok, saying I hate Jack Black is a bit too far but I stand by my word on the others. I can’t stand them and the fact that they are in every single Ben Stiller “Comedy” ever shat out. I was watching Raising Arizona the other night and thinking to myself, “Wow, since the beginning, these guys (The Coen Brothers) have always stuck with the same core cast for the majority of their movies: Frances McDormand, John Goodman, John Turturro, Holly Hunter and so on. I love the Coen brothers and their films. So does this make me a hypocrite for hating Ben Stiller for the same reasons I love the Coens? No, because the Coen brothers don’t crap out one shitty film after another, month by month, with the same general plot line.

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I don’t understand why Ben Stiller always writes himself, or is written as the “Good Looking Guy”. I know it was a joke in Zoolander, but all the others? The guy is one of the worst looking men in Hollywood. I’d rather sleep with Steven Anthony Lawrence than be in the same room with Ben (Call me, Steve!). In Dodgeball (which I was forced to see) he was the super-fit and super handsome gym owner that had to peel the ladies off. In Zoolander he finds it tough to be “this good looking.” Why is no one pointing this out? Why is no one making note of the oddly shaped head that this man possesses? I think it’s time.

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Something About Mary was the first big screen success that Ben had. No, I’m not counting “The Cable Guy” as a big screen success. Since I’m not a fan of SNL and I never saw “The Ben Stiller Show” (and I'm counting my lucky stars), I wasn’t really exposed to Big Ben until 1998 at the young and impressionable age of 16. Sure, the cum jokes, the dick caught in the zipper, the retarded kids, and the old woman’s leather breasts all gave me a good chuckle but I’m pretty sure it ended after Ben started releasing 25 “productions” in the span of 5 years. God man, take a break, for my sake.

And Will Ferrell really pisses me off too. I’ve gotta throw that in there, because I know he’s well loved. Wait… Maybe if SNL would stop discarding their cast into Hollywood, I wouldn’t have to be such a miserable bitch.

Too late.

Ps. I’m also writing a guest post for another blog, but I’ve been sworn to secrecy because he hates everyone who comments here and doesn’t want them on his blog. If you can find my guest post (should be up by Sunday), you get a cookie (or a photo of one I found on google images.)
Pps. Today is my half-birthday.
Ppps. Movies I saw this week: The Labyrinth, Raising Arizona and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (again).
Pppps. Fiona Apple is FREE! Thank you to anyone who paid attention to the issue or visited the Free Fiona site. Success has been had.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005


Yeah, there’s a period on the end of “Adaptation.” Why? Because it’s quirky.

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I’ve never in my life wanted to see LESS of Nicolas Cage yet I was faced with DOUBLE. Not even the thin, semi-good-looking-because-he-has-a-really-famous-family-and-a-lot-of-money Nicolas Cage, no, a fat and balding Cage x 2.

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I haven’t seen this movie in about 3 years and so it’s not exactly fresh in my mind. Maybe if it wasn’t such a piece of shit the first time around, I would have rented it again to make this review a little more movie-related and not just about how much I hate fat and nasty Nick. Speaking of how much I hate Nick Cage, let’s talk about the director of my favourite movie of all time directing likely one of the most typical, predictable, and politically correct movies in the history of typical, predictable and politically correct movies. That’s right, friends, Oliver Stone is going to direct a movie about September 11th (yawn) starring none other than the love of my life, Nicolas Cage as a…

Can you guess?

Yeah, I said Firefighter too.

Nope! Police officer. He’ll star alongside a Mexican guy, for a little spice and PC. I bet he’ll make “off colour” remarks about how addicted to coke he is every 15 minutes and Nick Cage will respond with that signature half a smile he does followed by his “serious-cool” face.

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Oh yeah, Adaptation.

The twins will be referred to as B1 and B2 because Bananas In Pajamas is one of my absolute favourite shows.

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So, Nicolas Cage plays a set of twins who are both aspiring screen writers. B1, I think the thinner of the two, is having better luck since he’s writing mindless action and romantic comedies, but B2 strives for the intellectual mumbo jumbo and fails miserably. I’m pretty sure this is a direct representation of Nick Cage’s attempts at gathering some sort of cult audience with films like 8mm. So then the movie continues and I don’t really remember what happens.

Fast forward to Meryl Streep smoking fertilizer and fucking this really nasty guy with no teeth. They both have a strange obsession with orchids… the flower. No really, this is what it's about I think Meryl (that’s a real pretty name) wrote a book about orchids and No-Teeth is an orchid thief. Fuck, it didn’t make sense to me either.

Now, since everything up to this point is superb writing, let's top it off with a fine ending and if you don't like spoilers, read this and bypass the movie. So... No-Teeth get's eaten by a crocodile.

No, seriously, he does. End scene.

A lot of people have told me that I "just don't get it, man" and that maybe I'll "understand when I'm older" or that if I had ever suffered from writer's block, I'd totally feel Nicolas Cage's pain. Or maybe it's just a shitty movie about fat twins who like flowers and crocodiles.

Yep. I think that's it.

Ps. Movies I've seen this week that are better than Adaptation. - Maria Full of Grace, Apocolypse Now, Hero, A Very Long Engagement, 10 minutes of Hide and Seek, 30 minutes of Coffee and Cigarettes, A Bug's Life.
Pps. Feel free to give movie suggestions for reviewing, I'm feeling uninspired.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Man Bites Dog

A long time coming:

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Man Bites Dog has been suggested to me a few times now and, with the offer of a free copy of it, to my doorstep in about a week, I couldn’t say no. Knowing my incredible fondness and interest in all things morose (particularly serial killers and bloodlust (relax)), a lot of people who recommended the movie felt it was right on the money. Even though I hate the French, people were still adamant that I’d love this one. Now, usually when people claim I’ll love something, I hate it by default but this, this my friends, is a different story.

This movie is pure genius and it ranks right next to (slightly above or below, I can’t decide) American Psycho. The opening scene (after the train murder) is fan-fucking-tastic and it even relates to a hot topic we’ve all been discussing lately: Midgets.

Leaning over a corpse wrapped in a sheet, our main character Ben, enlightens us on the technicalities of sinking a dead body, “…You may not be aware that a corpse under water swells up with air, see? So it tends to float to the surface… There’s a ballast ratio for corpses: 3 times body weight for an average adult, like this victim, but for children and midgets it’s different. Kids are lighter so it’s 4 times body weight. Midgets are heavier, so you double the weight. Midgets have denser bones… For old people multiply by five. Old bones are porous.”

The movie is filmed as a fake documentary (mockumentary) about Ben, a serial killer who is more than happy to tell all about his profession. The movie is similar to American Psycho in the way that it takes the topic of murder and death rather lightly and the jokes, probably offensive, just roll off the tongue naturally and freely. It’s also similar to This is Spinal Tap, not just because it’s a mockumentary, but because of the curse of the soundman/drummer and the partly non-chalant reaction of the crew/band to the inevitable doom of their members.

The movie was basically made by three film school buddies on a shoe string budget and therefore, it doesn’t have the look of a major Hollywood picture. The film’s directors work around this by making the movie about guys with no cash, giving it an excuse to lack frills and gimmicks. It’s filmed with black and white, in French with English subtitles… Don’t let that stop you! Let it encourage you to broaden your horizons and all that shit.

More quotes, because Ben’s philosophizing gets me off:

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“Take the train station murder. The restroom murder. Who got the headlines? Who? The Dental Mechanic! And the toilet attendant didn’t even get a single line! Little guys don’t make waves. If you kill a whale, you get Greenpeace and Jacques Cousteau on your back! But wipe out sardines and you get a canning subsidy. I go for the small fry.”

And this one is my absolute favourite (because I find racism utterly hilarious!). After shooting a night watchman:

“Those bastards! A black night watchman! What a dirty trick. So you can’t see him! Who would ever sink so low? I bet he grew up under the baobabs and here he is on a work site. Makes me sick. They try to get away with murder… Let’s go sink this Mubutu. A handsome fella’ to boot. But I’m warning you, I won’t touch him.”
“Why not?”
“AIDS, Remy… AIDS. Green Monkeys. Grab him by the galoshes, but I won’t touch him…”

Remy drags the guard away

“Here’s our golden opportunity. To see if that legend about their size is true. Remy! Pull his pants down. We’ll know in a jiffy! …Good lord. He’s really well hung. You can wrap it up now, it’s disgusting! The kid is barely 18 and already hung like a polar bear.”

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This movie is so ironic, it’s beautiful. Now I have to thank Eponymous for sending it my way and not taking the opportunity to kill me with anthrax, as I’m sure it was tempting.

Ps. Obviously I have a dark sense of humour. If you enjoyed American Psycho, it’s a safe bet you’ll like this one.
Pps. I was disappointed with the ending. Probably because I developed a big crush on Ben.