Capote

Capote is my favourite movie of 2005. I know I’ve seen a good movie when my jaw is on the floor and I’m in complete awe of what I just saw. Capote was no exception to this rule. I had heard amazing things about this movie prior to seeing it, but without any knowledge of who Truman Capote actually was and my usual disdain for any movie anyone recommends to me, I was a bit hesitant. The deciding factor was definitely Philip Seymour Hoffman. Don’t get confused now, that’s not the same person as Steven Anthony Lawrence. You have seen Philip Seymour Hoffman in such masterpieces as: Boogie Nights (Thanks, J), Happiness, 25th Hour, The Big Lebowski and Punch-Drunk Love. You have seen him in such pieces of shit as: Along Came Polly, Twister and Red Dragon. The guy is fucking incredible.

Being such a big fan of Philip Seymour Hoffman, I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to get that character he always plays out of my head. That chubby, awkward loser who stumbles over his words. By the end of the movie, I couldn’t even REMEMBER that chubby awkward loser. Hoffman as Capote blew my socks off. He was so slick and so suave, so adorable and so bloody annoying. He played Truman Capote brilliantly.



Phillip’s incredible acting aside, the movie definitely held its own. The other talents in this movie, specifically Catherine Keener and Chris Cooper, were brilliant. Catherine Keener played the not-yet-discovered writer of To Kill a Mockingbird and best friend of Capote, Harper Lee. It’s been hinted that Capote actually helped write a lot of Mockingbird but those are, naturally, just speculations. The story itself is a very unique look into a murder case. Rather than focusing on the victim’s lives and families, Capote (both the movie and the man) focused on the lives of the two killers. I think it did a great job of humanizing, rather than demonizing, the killer that Capote became close with, Perry Smith. The one thing that specifically stood out for me, was the fact that, unlike films like Monster, Capote managed to avoid becoming a preachy movie. Although there is definitely sympathy for the murderers, Capote doesn’t try to take all of the blame off of them for their crimes.

I was pretty fucking excited to hear that my man Hoffman was up for best actor (not excited enough to actually WATCH the Golden Globes though) and I almost peed my pants when I found out he WON!!! Hoffman Vs. Heath, Gay Writer Vs. Gay Cowboy and my man prevailed. Not only that, but he looked damn good with his rough and tumble approach to the awards. Too bad he is standing next to a horse.



Oh, and I actually saw King Kong on Sunday night. Terrible acting! So over the top. There is already a giant ape, do you really need dinosaurs, giant spiders, giant swamp worms and bats? Come on.

Ps. Movies I saw since the last post: Syriana (bad flick), Jarhead (again), The Ringer, and King Kong.

King Kong

Peter Jackson needs a fuckin’ hair cut.



God. I was so tempted to leave that as the entire review. My big comeback review for King Kong, “Peter Jackson needs a fuckin’ hair cut.”

My feelings on Big Pete are just bubbling over though, and I can’t simply leave my personal attack on him as “Peter Jackson needs a fuckin’ hair cut.” I mean, that leaves so many things unsaid. Like, “Peter Jackson needs to work out,” and “Peter Jackson is ugly.” Of course, these things can all go without saying because they’re just common knowledge. Ask, “Do you know who Peter Jackson is?” and you don’t hear things like “That incredibly talented film maker who nearly made me cream with 9 consecutive hours of The Lord of the Rings?” No. You hear, “Oh, that disgusting short and fat guy with huge glasses that needs to buy a comb and some Pert Plus with his millions of dollars he earned from raping the wallets of geeks and nerds everywhere.” No, seriously. Go ask someone. I swear that’s what they’ll say.

So I’m sure the geeks and nerds are saying, “But what does it matter if he’s a fat and ugly bastard? His movies are still cinematic masterpieces that revolutionized the world of film.” It does matter, and do you know why? Not because the Lord of the Rings Trilogy is awful (it is) or because King Kong was way too fucking long (it really was), but because I am a shallow bitch. I know you won’t deny it.

For all (what felt like) 6 hours of this epic film, I couldn’t help but feel that this may be an autobiographical piece about the director. Now, I know, the story of King Kong is as old as giant monkeys, but I could really feel a lot of Peter Jackson’s insecurity and pain (because of people like me) in Kong’s character. Not only is the emotional turmoil that Kong goes through strikingly similar to the pain that Jackson must go through on a day to day basis just living in his own skin, but they are both ugly beasts.


Ok and maybe I’m being unreasonable by asking this… I mean, it is a movie about a giant ape but can someone please explain the whole dinosaur thing? I don’t really get it and I don’t feel that it was adequately explained in the film. Maybe they explained the Jurassic Park theme while I was taking my second nap between my third bathroom break, who knows. If you’ve got the answer, please enlighten the movie going world.

Can Pete just make a normal movie? Maybe something that has some substance to it rather than a whole lot of pretty good visuals (not including Elijah Wood). We know you’re good with computers, fat man, why don’t you come up with your own fuckin’ storyline now? Come on, this guy is a master at retelling shit we’ve all heard before (all be it, it does take him a long time do it), but Big Pete, I know you have it in you to make your own movie. Maybe a geek to chic story?



Ps. Who are they kidding? Jack Black??
Pps. Movies I’ve seen since my hiatus: Hostel, Boogie Nights, Grizzly Man, Proof, Pride & Prejudice, Harriett The Spy, Chicken Little, The Family Stone, Brokeback Mountain, Memoirs of a Geisha, Aeon Flux, Capote (SEE THIS MOVIE), Good Night and Good Luck, Jarhead, North Country, Moonlight Mile, The Good Girl, Prime, Walk The Line, Prozac Nation, Criminal, Microcosmos, Take The Money and Run, Manhattan, Melinda and Melinda, Four Brothers, War of the Worlds, The Bad News Bears, Domino… and many more I’ll think of later.

Undiscovered

Although no one seems to know it, Ashlee Simpson has a movie out RIGHT NOW! The movie is called Undiscovered and apparently it’s living up to the title. I have spoken to no more than 3 people who have actually heard of this movie’s release and none of them had seen any ads or trailers. I only knew about it because all I do at work is read Hollywood Gossip and write blog entries.



I decided to see this movie for two reasons: It was free and I knew it would be a great blog topic. Seeing as I know some people in the movie biz (a friend of mine works at a movie theatre), I get the chance to see free movies… Movies I would normally never pay to see. I read a brief synopsis, something about an aspiring actress and an aspiring rock star but other than that, the only thing I knew was that Ashlee Simpson was in it and she sings.

Believe it or not, this review is not heavily based on trashing Ashlee. I am not a fan of hers and she definitely blows in this movie but come on, that’s way too easy.



The movie opened on Friday, Aug. 26 and my friend and I went to see it on Sunday, Aug. 28… Still opening weekend. We were the only two people in the theatre. This movie was entirely unheard of, I’m not sure if they did ANY marketing what so ever. 30 minutes in, my good friend turns to me and says,

“You know… this movie was free, so if you want to leave, it’s ok with me”

I laughed and told her, “No way, we’re in this for the long haul.” Another 20 minutes and she started walking around the theatre, sitting in various seats, just killing time until I finally gave in. I couldn’t bear to see the aspiring actress and aspiring rock star fight and get back together again, so I gave in and said let’s go.

Possibly the shittiest movie I’ve seen. It had the usual North American Romantic Comedy formula that I revealed to the world in a previous post and I just couldn’t stand to watch it again. I managed to find a trailer for the flick yesterday and I was quite relieved that I didn’t stay, as it appears that there is an “airport” scene that involves the rock star running after the actress so that she doesn’t get on a plane to go back to New York. And then it flashes to a scene of me slitting my own wrists and jumping off a bridge with a noose around my neck. Great ending though.

In short, I don’t recommend this movie. If you haven’t heard of it, I’m sorry for making you aware. If this review, or the movie in general makes you curious about it, tempted to go see it, just watch the trailer. The trailer is the movie in a nutshell, which is all it needed to be in. It tells you scene by scene what happens and how it ends in a minute or two, not the hour I spent.

I suppose I’m not the only one who feels this way:



Well, better luck next time, Ashlee. I’m probably the best PR you had for this film.

Ps. I know I said I would write about something I enjoyed but there are too many bad movies to ignore. Next will also be a negative one, maybe the week after?
Pps. Movies I saw this week: The entire first season of Six Feet Under, Casper, Whale Rider, Million Dollar Baby, Undiscovered.
Ppps. You simply MUST go see this blog and you simply MUST leave a comment. This is one of the few blog plugs I will do and only because it’s one of the best blogs I’ve ever read. Absolutely amazing!

Herbie: Fully Loaded

I usually update around Wednesday or Thursday, and seeing as I don’t plan to see a movie until tomorrow, I really didn’t have much out of the ordinary to talk about. A few people have been asking me to review something that I actually enjoyed, but I’ll leave that for next week or the week after. Right now, it’s time for Herbie: Fully Loaded.

This movie has a lot of potential to a Volkswagen lover like myself. I absolutely adore Volkswagens. All Volkswagens (except the new 2006 Jettas) are beautiful pieces of machinery. No, that’s not right, a Volkswagen is not simply equipment, it is a work of art. I vowed that I would grit my teeth and see this movie, even though I can’t stand Lindsay Lohan (we’ll get to that), simply because it features my absolute favourite vehicles in the world. Let’s have a dreamy sigh and look at a sexy photo of a VW:



This movie is such a shame. What’s with Hollywood rehashing old TV shows and movies? Dukes of Hazzard (I do love Johnny Knoxville), Bewitched (I do hate Will Ferrell), I Dream of Jeannie, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, The Bad News Bears… It’s quite the fad and I will say that only Chuck and The Chocolate Factory is worth a view. I saw Chuck again, recently, and I have to confirm that the fuckin’ Oompa Loompas ruined the whole goddamn movie.

Now, back to Herb.

Lindsay Lohan gets an old, rusty, nasty (actually pretty cute) looking Herbie as a graduation present, a fixer upper if you will. She gets her friend (take a wild guess, will this “friendship” turn to romance?!) to restore Herbie and… he races in the Daytona 500. Alright, so I cut a few points out of the plot but who really cares? Let’s start bashing Lindsay Lohan.

I saw Parent Trap (the Lindsay version) and it wasn’t half bad for a remake. It made me try Oreos dipped in peanut butter and I must say, although I haven’t had them since the first time I tried them, they weren’t half bad. Go try it. Lindsay has really gone down hill though, and it hasn’t been a graceful fall. In my humble opinion, and it is humble, Lindsay Lohan is the most disgusting celebrity out there. This doesn’t include the obvious choices like Carrot Top, but of the big stars, she’s the nastiest. She is 19 years old but she looks like she’s 47. First of all, she’s a red head. Red heads are fucking nuts. Second of all, she is COVERED in freckles, and I find this to be an absolutely revolting look for her. Third of all, her fluctuating weight and breast size is well, a bit much… She claims that she went through puberty. I guess that’s what they’re calling crack cocaine these days.

When Lindsay is done up for a photo shoot with her freckles airbrushed out and her gaping mouth finally closed, she can look quite presentable but the real Lindsay Ho-han looks much different. Hey, “I’m sure she’s a better person than me” but I don’t really give a fuck.




Ok, I’ll say something nice: Mean Girls was a good movie and worth a watch. I wouldn’t see Herbie though, it sucks balls, just go look at VWs on Google Images. Oh, and don’t give me shit about it’s “Target Audience”, I don’t care if it was made for 8 year olds, a shitty movie is a shitty movie.

Ps. Next week: Something I like!
Pps. Movies I saw this week: Valiant.
Ppps. Click on that link of Carrot Top. Trust me.
Pppps. FIONA APPLE IS FREE! Go buy her album in stores Oct 4. Sign up for her newsletter and visit her site to see videos and listen to music. This is going to be an amazing album, keep your knickers on.

Ben Stiller

Anyone who knows anything about me knows about my extreme and undying hatred towards Ben Stiller. Yes, I’ve seen “Zoolander” and yes, I still hate him. Not only do I hate his looks, his personality, his writing, his directing, his producing, his wife, his clothes, his Jewishness but I also hate his friends.

Owen Wilson, Vince Vaughn, Will Ferrell, Christine Taylor, Rip Torn, Jack Black, and Vince fucking Vaughn. I know, I said him twice.

Ok, saying I hate Jack Black is a bit too far but I stand by my word on the others. I can’t stand them and the fact that they are in every single Ben Stiller “Comedy” ever shat out. I was watching Raising Arizona the other night and thinking to myself, “Wow, since the beginning, these guys (The Coen Brothers) have always stuck with the same core cast for the majority of their movies: Frances McDormand, John Goodman, John Turturro, Holly Hunter and so on. I love the Coen brothers and their films. So does this make me a hypocrite for hating Ben Stiller for the same reasons I love the Coens? No, because the Coen brothers don’t crap out one shitty film after another, month by month, with the same general plot line.



I don’t understand why Ben Stiller always writes himself, or is written as the “Good Looking Guy”. I know it was a joke in Zoolander, but all the others? The guy is one of the worst looking men in Hollywood. I’d rather sleep with Steven Anthony Lawrence than be in the same room with Ben (Call me, Steve!). In Dodgeball (which I was forced to see) he was the super-fit and super handsome gym owner that had to peel the ladies off. In Zoolander he finds it tough to be “this good looking.” Why is no one pointing this out? Why is no one making note of the oddly shaped head that this man possesses? I think it’s time.



Something About Mary was the first big screen success that Ben had. No, I’m not counting “The Cable Guy” as a big screen success. Since I’m not a fan of SNL and I never saw “The Ben Stiller Show” (and I'm counting my lucky stars), I wasn’t really exposed to Big Ben until 1998 at the young and impressionable age of 16. Sure, the cum jokes, the dick caught in the zipper, the retarded kids, and the old woman’s leather breasts all gave me a good chuckle but I’m pretty sure it ended after Ben started releasing 25 “productions” in the span of 5 years. God man, take a break, for my sake.

And Will Ferrell really pisses me off too. I’ve gotta throw that in there, because I know he’s well loved. Wait… Maybe if SNL would stop discarding their cast into Hollywood, I wouldn’t have to be such a miserable bitch.

Too late.

Ps. I’m also writing a guest post for another blog, but I’ve been sworn to secrecy because he hates everyone who comments here and doesn’t want them on his blog. If you can find my guest post (should be up by Sunday), you get a cookie (or a photo of one I found on google images.)
Pps. Today is my half-birthday.
Ppps. Movies I saw this week: The Labyrinth, Raising Arizona and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (again).
Pppps. Fiona Apple is FREE! Thank you to anyone who paid attention to the issue or visited the Free Fiona site. Success has been had.

Adaptation.

Yeah, there’s a period on the end of “Adaptation.” Why? Because it’s quirky.



I’ve never in my life wanted to see LESS of Nicolas Cage yet I was faced with DOUBLE. Not even the thin, semi-good-looking-because-he-has-a-really-famous-family-and-a-lot-of-money Nicolas Cage, no, a fat and balding Cage x 2.



I haven’t seen this movie in about 3 years and so it’s not exactly fresh in my mind. Maybe if it wasn’t such a piece of shit the first time around, I would have rented it again to make this review a little more movie-related and not just about how much I hate fat and nasty Nick. Speaking of how much I hate Nick Cage, let’s talk about the director of my favourite movie of all time directing likely one of the most typical, predictable, and politically correct movies in the history of typical, predictable and politically correct movies. That’s right, friends, Oliver Stone is going to direct a movie about September 11th (yawn) starring none other than the love of my life, Nicolas Cage as a…

Can you guess?

Yeah, I said Firefighter too.

Nope! Police officer. He’ll star alongside a Mexican guy, for a little spice and PC. I bet he’ll make “off colour” remarks about how addicted to coke he is every 15 minutes and Nick Cage will respond with that signature half a smile he does followed by his “serious-cool” face.



Oh yeah, Adaptation.

The twins will be referred to as B1 and B2 because Bananas In Pajamas is one of my absolute favourite shows.



So, Nicolas Cage plays a set of twins who are both aspiring screen writers. B1, I think the thinner of the two, is having better luck since he’s writing mindless action and romantic comedies, but B2 strives for the intellectual mumbo jumbo and fails miserably. I’m pretty sure this is a direct representation of Nick Cage’s attempts at gathering some sort of cult audience with films like 8mm. So then the movie continues and I don’t really remember what happens.

Fast forward to Meryl Streep smoking fertilizer and fucking this really nasty guy with no teeth. They both have a strange obsession with orchids… the flower. No really, this is what it's about I think Meryl (that’s a real pretty name) wrote a book about orchids and No-Teeth is an orchid thief. Fuck, it didn’t make sense to me either.

Now, since everything up to this point is superb writing, let's top it off with a fine ending and if you don't like spoilers, read this and bypass the movie. So... No-Teeth get's eaten by a crocodile.

No, seriously, he does. End scene.

A lot of people have told me that I "just don't get it, man" and that maybe I'll "understand when I'm older" or that if I had ever suffered from writer's block, I'd totally feel Nicolas Cage's pain. Or maybe it's just a shitty movie about fat twins who like flowers and crocodiles.

Yep. I think that's it.

Ps. Movies I've seen this week that are better than Adaptation. - Maria Full of Grace, Apocolypse Now, Hero, A Very Long Engagement, 10 minutes of Hide and Seek, 30 minutes of Coffee and Cigarettes, A Bug's Life.
Pps. Feel free to give movie suggestions for reviewing, I'm feeling uninspired.

Man Bites Dog

A long time coming:



Man Bites Dog has been suggested to me a few times now and, with the offer of a free copy of it, to my doorstep in about a week, I couldn’t say no. Knowing my incredible fondness and interest in all things morose (particularly serial killers and bloodlust (relax)), a lot of people who recommended the movie felt it was right on the money. Even though I hate the French, people were still adamant that I’d love this one. Now, usually when people claim I’ll love something, I hate it by default but this, this my friends, is a different story.

This movie is pure genius and it ranks right next to (slightly above or below, I can’t decide) American Psycho. The opening scene (after the train murder) is fan-fucking-tastic and it even relates to a hot topic we’ve all been discussing lately: Midgets.

Leaning over a corpse wrapped in a sheet, our main character Ben, enlightens us on the technicalities of sinking a dead body, “…You may not be aware that a corpse under water swells up with air, see? So it tends to float to the surface… There’s a ballast ratio for corpses: 3 times body weight for an average adult, like this victim, but for children and midgets it’s different. Kids are lighter so it’s 4 times body weight. Midgets are heavier, so you double the weight. Midgets have denser bones… For old people multiply by five. Old bones are porous.”

The movie is filmed as a fake documentary (mockumentary) about Ben, a serial killer who is more than happy to tell all about his profession. The movie is similar to American Psycho in the way that it takes the topic of murder and death rather lightly and the jokes, probably offensive, just roll off the tongue naturally and freely. It’s also similar to This is Spinal Tap, not just because it’s a mockumentary, but because of the curse of the soundman/drummer and the partly non-chalant reaction of the crew/band to the inevitable doom of their members.

The movie was basically made by three film school buddies on a shoe string budget and therefore, it doesn’t have the look of a major Hollywood picture. The film’s directors work around this by making the movie about guys with no cash, giving it an excuse to lack frills and gimmicks. It’s filmed with black and white, in French with English subtitles… Don’t let that stop you! Let it encourage you to broaden your horizons and all that shit.

More quotes, because Ben’s philosophizing gets me off:



“Take the train station murder. The restroom murder. Who got the headlines? Who? The Dental Mechanic! And the toilet attendant didn’t even get a single line! Little guys don’t make waves. If you kill a whale, you get Greenpeace and Jacques Cousteau on your back! But wipe out sardines and you get a canning subsidy. I go for the small fry.”

And this one is my absolute favourite (because I find racism utterly hilarious!). After shooting a night watchman:

“Those bastards! A black night watchman! What a dirty trick. So you can’t see him! Who would ever sink so low? I bet he grew up under the baobabs and here he is on a work site. Makes me sick. They try to get away with murder… Let’s go sink this Mubutu. A handsome fella’ to boot. But I’m warning you, I won’t touch him.”
“Why not?”
“AIDS, Remy… AIDS. Green Monkeys. Grab him by the galoshes, but I won’t touch him…”

Remy drags the guard away

“Here’s our golden opportunity. To see if that legend about their size is true. Remy! Pull his pants down. We’ll know in a jiffy! …Good lord. He’s really well hung. You can wrap it up now, it’s disgusting! The kid is barely 18 and already hung like a polar bear.”



This movie is so ironic, it’s beautiful. Now I have to thank Eponymous for sending it my way and not taking the opportunity to kill me with anthrax, as I’m sure it was tempting.

Ps. Obviously I have a dark sense of humour. If you enjoyed American Psycho, it’s a safe bet you’ll like this one.
Pps. I was disappointed with the ending. Probably because I developed a big crush on Ben.

Tara Reid

I planned to review “Man Bites Dog” but I was sitting at work reading Hollywood Gossip when it dawned on me:

Tara Reid is disgusting.

What on earth happened to her? Not that she was ever particularly appealing (in my humble opinion) but it seems that in the last few years, she’s really gone down hill. Let’s start with her current achievements in the movie world:

Wait a minute. Has she ever done a movie other than The Big Lebowski that is even worth mentioning? Van Wilder? Just Visiting? My Boss’ Daughter? Alone in the Dark? Ahem. No.

She is known for her minimal role as a complete slut/psycho/gold digger in The Big Lebowski, her role as a complete slut/psycho in American Pie and last but not least her role as a blonde ditz in Josie and the Pussycats. I think we’ve summed up Tara Reid’s personality.

Now that we’ve torn that apart, let’s pull apart her appearance:

I found this photo about a year ago and have kept it stashed in my “Misc. Pics” file for a special occasion. It is finally time to unveil it to the world. Perhaps I’m exaggerating or blowing this out of proportion but I honestly felt a little bit embarrassed for woman-kind:


That’s a nice outfit, hun.

Since that photo, many have been circulating around the Internet about Tara’s rather deep delve into the world of plastic surgery. Maybe she’s cheap or just doesn’t know where to go, but she’s had a few unfortunate results as result of going under the knife. She’s clearly had possibly the worst tit job in the history of bad tit jobs. She also got approximately thirty thousand pounds of fat sucked out of her stomach. It’s people like me that made Tara Reid anorexic back in 2001. Sorry, I’m glad you got your healthy self-image back, girl.




What’s worse is that people actually find this woman to be attractive. I’ve talked to many men who drool at the mention of her and she was voted 49th sexiest woman in the world according to Stuff Magazine (2002). Not to mention the fact that she sounds like a man, not even a feminine man, a lumberjack.

This is my disclaimer: I know that this may or may not bring on an onslaught of slanderous comments, defacing my personality and looks but I’ve started to get used to it. In fact, it’s kind of growing on me. I know that, in the words of my good friend Rick, “she’s probably a better person than I am” and I have no right to judge others and yadda yadda yadda. Apparently getting ripped apart comes with the territory of acting and blogging. Don’t rip me apart for ripping Tara apart. Let’s just love one another.

"Once you get to know me, you would know in a second that I am an East Coast girl. You can tell because I'm not flaky, and I will tell you how it is. I also walk faster than they walk in L.A."

Hey, at least she’s an intellectual.

Ps. Man Bites Dog is next so GO RENT IT.
Pps. The plastic surgery photos are courtesy of Awful Plastic Surgery.
Pps. Who actually clicked on the midget porn link? It's ok to admit it. I'm not going to judge you. You sick fucks.

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

So I have been asked countless times (3) to review new movies, the ones still fresh in theatres. I saw a shitload (5) this week, so here’s what you asked for.



I’m not the type to bash things just because everyone else loves them (I am) and so, believe it or not, I’m not going to say unkind things about this film. It was well done, as most people predicted. Johnny Depp was magical, the graphics were impeccable, the laughs, the tears… all genuine. It was surprisingly not a huge insult to the original movie or the book. I think it did them proud.

Shall I quote myself? “But Shelby, you can’t possibly like EVERYTHING about a movie! You’re too much of a critical bitch for that.”

Well you’d be right again.

I saw an interview with Johnny Depp about the making of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and the interviewee pointed out their choice to stay away from Digital Imaging. A wise choice, since it always looks fake (I’ve seen Lord of the Rings). For example, they trained REAL squirrels to crack nuts all day. Quite the task. So… if they can get 70 squirrels, why didn’t they get…

I never thought it was possible to strip midgets of their god-given hilarity. Yet this movie managed to do that very thing. Instead of hiring 30 midgets, they hired 1. I think that’s an insult to midget-kind. They hired one midget and digitally imaged him to be 100 or so. You’ll train 70 squirrels but not hire a couple midgets to make the whole thing a bit more realistic?

This brings up a sore subject for many little folk. Don’t the people in show business realize how many midgets are in dire need of jobs? So many are drawn to the cruel world of Midget Porn (click that if you’re of age and not at work, please) just to feed their undersized bellies. Millions (probably) are trying to break out of midget porn and midget wrestling and into a role where they can truly be respected despite their stature. What better role than the one of an Oompa Loompa?



Protest this movie in honour of midgets everywhere.

Steven Anthony Lawrence

Not that I have the intention of beating a dead horse, as they say, but a special day has come upon us. Some cheer me on and some beg me to stop and give the poor rat a break. Well I will do neither. I will not be rude and I will not be loving, I will simply express my true feelings on this special day.

Happy Birthday, Steven Anthony Lawrence.



From the moment I saw Steven Anthony Lawrence, my heart stopped. I had never felt feelings like the ones that rushed through my body (specifically groin) on that dark cold night that I spent in Famous Players Colossus Langley. The movie didn’t leave a lasting impression, Will Ferrell didn’t leave a lasting impression, The hot Italian boys sort of did, but nothing like the way Steven Anthony Lawrence moved me.



This is basically a thank you for coming, so unexpectedly, into my life. You’re still jailbait, but look me up anyway, kid.

Ps. Either Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Wedding Crashers or March of the Penguins is next.
Pps. I haven't even seen the movie Rebound.