Thursday, July 28, 2005

Tara Reid

I planned to review “Man Bites Dog” but I was sitting at work reading Hollywood Gossip when it dawned on me:

Tara Reid is disgusting.

What on earth happened to her? Not that she was ever particularly appealing (in my humble opinion) but it seems that in the last few years, she’s really gone down hill. Let’s start with her current achievements in the movie world:

Wait a minute. Has she ever done a movie other than The Big Lebowski that is even worth mentioning? Van Wilder? Just Visiting? My Boss’ Daughter? Alone in the Dark? Ahem. No.

She is known for her minimal role as a complete slut/psycho/gold digger in The Big Lebowski, her role as a complete slut/psycho in American Pie and last but not least her role as a blonde ditz in Josie and the Pussycats. I think we’ve summed up Tara Reid’s personality.

Now that we’ve torn that apart, let’s pull apart her appearance:

I found this photo about a year ago and have kept it stashed in my “Misc. Pics” file for a special occasion. It is finally time to unveil it to the world. Perhaps I’m exaggerating or blowing this out of proportion but I honestly felt a little bit embarrassed for woman-kind:

Image hosted by Photobucket.com
That’s a nice outfit, hun.

Since that photo, many have been circulating around the Internet about Tara’s rather deep delve into the world of plastic surgery. Maybe she’s cheap or just doesn’t know where to go, but she’s had a few unfortunate results as result of going under the knife. She’s clearly had possibly the worst tit job in the history of bad tit jobs. She also got approximately thirty thousand pounds of fat sucked out of her stomach. It’s people like me that made Tara Reid anorexic back in 2001. Sorry, I’m glad you got your healthy self-image back, girl.

Image hosted by Photobucket.com
Image hosted by Photobucket.com

What’s worse is that people actually find this woman to be attractive. I’ve talked to many men who drool at the mention of her and she was voted 49th sexiest woman in the world according to Stuff Magazine (2002). Not to mention the fact that she sounds like a man, not even a feminine man, a lumberjack.

This is my disclaimer: I know that this may or may not bring on an onslaught of slanderous comments, defacing my personality and looks but I’ve started to get used to it. In fact, it’s kind of growing on me. I know that, in the words of my good friend Rick, “she’s probably a better person than I am” and I have no right to judge others and yadda yadda yadda. Apparently getting ripped apart comes with the territory of acting and blogging. Don’t rip me apart for ripping Tara apart. Let’s just love one another.

"Once you get to know me, you would know in a second that I am an East Coast girl. You can tell because I'm not flaky, and I will tell you how it is. I also walk faster than they walk in L.A."


Hey, at least she’s an intellectual.

Ps. Man Bites Dog is next so GO RENT IT.
Pps. The plastic surgery photos are courtesy of Awful Plastic Surgery.
Pps. Who actually clicked on the midget porn link? It's ok to admit it. I'm not going to judge you. You sick fucks.

Thursday, July 21, 2005

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

So I have been asked countless times (3) to review new movies, the ones still fresh in theatres. I saw a shitload (5) this week, so here’s what you asked for.

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

I’m not the type to bash things just because everyone else loves them (I am) and so, believe it or not, I’m not going to say unkind things about this film. It was well done, as most people predicted. Johnny Depp was magical, the graphics were impeccable, the laughs, the tears… all genuine. It was surprisingly not a huge insult to the original movie or the book. I think it did them proud.

Shall I quote myself? “But Shelby, you can’t possibly like EVERYTHING about a movie! You’re too much of a critical bitch for that.”

Well you’d be right again.

I saw an interview with Johnny Depp about the making of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and the interviewee pointed out their choice to stay away from Digital Imaging. A wise choice, since it always looks fake (I’ve seen Lord of the Rings). For example, they trained REAL squirrels to crack nuts all day. Quite the task. So… if they can get 70 squirrels, why didn’t they get…

I never thought it was possible to strip midgets of their god-given hilarity. Yet this movie managed to do that very thing. Instead of hiring 30 midgets, they hired 1. I think that’s an insult to midget-kind. They hired one midget and digitally imaged him to be 100 or so. You’ll train 70 squirrels but not hire a couple midgets to make the whole thing a bit more realistic?

This brings up a sore subject for many little folk. Don’t the people in show business realize how many midgets are in dire need of jobs? So many are drawn to the cruel world of Midget Porn (click that if you’re of age and not at work, please) just to feed their undersized bellies. Millions (probably) are trying to break out of midget porn and midget wrestling and into a role where they can truly be respected despite their stature. What better role than the one of an Oompa Loompa?

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

Protest this movie in honour of midgets everywhere.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Steven Anthony Lawrence

Not that I have the intention of beating a dead horse, as they say, but a special day has come upon us. Some cheer me on and some beg me to stop and give the poor rat a break. Well I will do neither. I will not be rude and I will not be loving, I will simply express my true feelings on this special day.

Happy Birthday, Steven Anthony Lawrence.

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

From the moment I saw Steven Anthony Lawrence, my heart stopped. I had never felt feelings like the ones that rushed through my body (specifically groin) on that dark cold night that I spent in Famous Players Colossus Langley. The movie didn’t leave a lasting impression, Will Ferrell didn’t leave a lasting impression, The hot Italian boys sort of did, but nothing like the way Steven Anthony Lawrence moved me.

Image hosted by Photobucket.com Image hosted by Photobucket.com

This is basically a thank you for coming, so unexpectedly, into my life. You’re still jailbait, but look me up anyway, kid.

Ps. Either Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Wedding Crashers or March of the Penguins is next.
Pps. I haven't even seen the movie Rebound.

Saturday, July 09, 2005

Rebound

I will be entirely honest with you: I am reviewing Rebound for one reason and one reason only. Steven Anthony Lawrence. I’m pretty sure this kid has Down’s Syndrome so I should probably stop making fun of how ugly he is but COME ON, look at the little rat. Don’t misunderstand me, I’d bang him if I could.

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

So, I was going to take my review of “Kicking and Screaming” and replace the words “soccer” with “basketball” and “Will Ferrell” with “Martin Lawrence” but I thought that would just be too easy. It wasn’t too easy for the makers of these two though, they like the easy road to fame and smack but here at “A Sheltered Town” I like to serve high quality on a pink plate. I’m going to get struck by lightning.


So this one is about some semi-retarded kids who can’t play sports very well for various reasons and afflictions, as well as a coach (Lawrence, obviously) who has a bit of an anger problem, a quirky “I’m black” sense of humour and a big crush on his bootylicious coworker. Does he get the girl? Well gosh, I wouldn’t want to give it away.

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

Steve Carr directed this one. Never heard of him? He did Dr. Dolittle 2, Daddy Day Care and… NEXT FRIDAY!? I don’t see the method to his madness. He’s not even black. What kind of street cred’ is that? I’m pretty sure this movie was made simply to counter the fact that there were only about 1½ racial minorities in “Kicking and Screaming”. Steve Carr doesn’t even have a famous Dad to bring the film SOME recognition.

So the kids suck ass at basketball, they’re all weird and act basically like… Middle School kids. Yeah, how totally surreal is that? Lawrence just can’t handle the pressure, he went from big time “College Ball” to small time “Middle Ball” and it really hits him hard. He sure grabs these kids by the nuts though (figuratively speaking, of course), and shows them that if they just believe in themselves, they can do anything. Except be good looking, Steven Anthony Lawrence.

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Maddox on Blogging

Holy shit. I actually beat Maddox to something! Oh well, he still kicks my ass at it. Go read his new article on blogging.

Monday, July 04, 2005

Garden State

Zach Braff. What a fabulous Jew.

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

To start off, I like this movie. I can’t stand Natalie Portman’s “I’m so na├»ve, stupid, quirky and cute” attitude but I managed to get past it and actually enjoy this one.

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

Zach Braff made this movie what it is. Figuratively and literally. If I believed in spirits and souls, I would say he put it all into this gem. Like Johnny Depp has been praised for his on screen presence, his ability to act without saying a word, I think the same can be said for Braff here. He certainly has the power to express a lot of emotion, or complete lack of it, through simple facial expressions, and for that, I commend him.

I even checked out an episode of Scrubs just because Garden State was so damn good (way to rope me in, big guy). He saves that show too, oh, and the fact that I have a crush on that black guy from clueless.

So anyway, the writing, the soundtrack, the acting, the directing, the cinematography, the humour, the drama, the characters, the use of Method Man, etc were all great.

But Shelby, you can’t possibly like EVERYTHING about a movie! You’re too much of a critical bitch for that.

You’re right. I didn’t like the fact that I had to see Peter Sarsgaard’s furry wang in Kinsey. I also couldn't stand that they had to imply that gay anal sex ensued soon after said furry wang shot. Not that Kinsey was a bad movie, but it gave me nightmares. (Sarsgaard is Mark in Garden State).

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

All in all, it’s a good movie worth a view or two. I hope Zach Braff is no one hit wonder because that little jew knows how to push the right buttons. He's also a blogger himself, who would have thought? He's got some skills and gets more comments than I do. Wow. Imagine that.