Saturday, January 07, 2006

King Kong


Peter Jackson needs a fuckin’ hair cut.

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God. I was so tempted to leave that as the entire review. My big comeback review for King Kong, “Peter Jackson needs a fuckin’ hair cut.”

My feelings on Big Pete are just bubbling over though, and I can’t simply leave my personal attack on him as “Peter Jackson needs a fuckin’ hair cut.” I mean, that leaves so many things unsaid. Like, “Peter Jackson needs to work out,” and “Peter Jackson is ugly.” Of course, these things can all go without saying because they’re just common knowledge. Ask, “Do you know who Peter Jackson is?” and you don’t hear things like “That incredibly talented film maker who nearly made me cream with 9 consecutive hours of The Lord of the Rings?” No. You hear, “Oh, that disgusting short and fat guy with huge glasses that needs to buy a comb and some Pert Plus with his millions of dollars he earned from raping the wallets of geeks and nerds everywhere.” No, seriously. Go ask someone. I swear that’s what they’ll say.

So I’m sure the geeks and nerds are saying, “But what does it matter if he’s a fat and ugly bastard? His movies are still cinematic masterpieces that revolutionized the world of film.” It does matter, and do you know why? Not because the Lord of the Rings Trilogy is awful (it is) or because King Kong was way too fucking long (it really was), but because I am a shallow bitch. I know you won’t deny it.

For all (what felt like) 6 hours of this epic film, I couldn’t help but feel that this may be an autobiographical piece about the director. Now, I know, the story of King Kong is as old as giant monkeys, but I could really feel a lot of Peter Jackson’s insecurity and pain (because of people like me) in Kong’s character. Not only is the emotional turmoil that Kong goes through strikingly similar to the pain that Jackson must go through on a day to day basis just living in his own skin, but they are both ugly beasts.


Ok and maybe I’m being unreasonable by asking this… I mean, it is a movie about a giant ape but can someone please explain the whole dinosaur thing? I don’t really get it and I don’t feel that it was adequately explained in the film. Maybe they explained the Jurassic Park theme while I was taking my second nap between my third bathroom break, who knows. If you’ve got the answer, please enlighten the movie going world.

Can Pete just make a normal movie? Maybe something that has some substance to it rather than a whole lot of pretty good visuals (not including Elijah Wood). We know you’re good with computers, fat man, why don’t you come up with your own fuckin’ storyline now? Come on, this guy is a master at retelling shit we’ve all heard before (all be it, it does take him a long time do it), but Big Pete, I know you have it in you to make your own movie. Maybe a geek to chic story?

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Ps. Who are they kidding? Jack Black??
Pps. Movies I’ve seen since my hiatus: Hostel, Boogie Nights, Grizzly Man, Proof, Pride & Prejudice, Harriett The Spy, Chicken Little, The Family Stone, Brokeback Mountain, Memoirs of a Geisha, Aeon Flux, Capote (SEE THIS MOVIE), Good Night and Good Luck, Jarhead, North Country, Moonlight Mile, The Good Girl, Prime, Walk The Line, Prozac Nation, Criminal, Microcosmos, Take The Money and Run, Manhattan, Melinda and Melinda, Four Brothers, War of the Worlds, The Bad News Bears, Domino… and many more I’ll think of later.

36 comments:

Anonymous said...

Jackson actually lost a lot of weight while filming King Kong. Apparently he got tired of being a fat bastard, and switched from cheeseburgers to low-fat yogurt with muesli. He's lost somewhere around 70, 80lbs. Now someone just has to introduce him to the Mach 3.

Dickolas Wang said...

You're alive.

I'm glad.

CraigS said...

She's back.

But blog movie reviews are so 2005. You need to do a podcast...now that would rock...

I thought Jack Black was an inspired casting decision personally. And if you've got 20 foot high apes in your film, I think explaining away dinosaurs is the least of your problems...

But I do agree it was too long. I'm sure there is an extra half hour he could have put on the cutting room floor...

Demosthenes said...

What better way to start off the new year? There isn't, I think. Glad you're back in business.

I didn't see King Kong, so I really can't critique it as a film. He did lose weight, but now he's just skinny and ugly instead of fat and ugly. He is, appropriately, filthy rich. Some original material might be nice, though I think he has sworn off anything of his own. Anybody see Heavenly Creatures or whatever his first (and original) film was called? No? Me neither.

And that's why Petey doesn't make films of his own scripts.

Angus said...

What was Aeon Flux like? I'm keen to see that and Memories of Geisha.

CraigS said...

I heard Aeon Flux sucked big time.

Memoirs of a Geisha looks promising though - I loved the book.

Demos - I think the reason no-one saw "Heavenly Creatures" is because it was by an obscure NZ director, and about an obscure NZ murder. It does get 7.6 on IMDB though, which is pretty good.

And he cast Kate Winslet before she was anybody as well, so give the guy some credit.

A Sheltered Town said...

Craig, Honey, I think the questions were directed at me. But thanks for offering your humble opinion on the matters. Podcasts are for pussies.

Aeon Flux was only good if you love Charlize Theron (I do).

Memoirs of a Geisha feels long as fuck but it's good shit.

And Craig, stop sucking up to Peter Jackson, he's not going to date you. Heavenly Creatures was a piece and 3 hours is too long to watch a movie about magical midgets. Oh, and saying "that is so last year" is so last year.

A Sheltered Town said...

Oh, and IMDB users also gave the first Lord of the Rings movie an 8.8, so we all know how reliable they are. Pauly Shore movies could get higher than 7.6. (I LOVE YOU PAULY.)

CraigS said...

And Craig, stop sucking up to Peter Jackson, he's not going to date you.

Damn. Are you sure?

I think Charlize Theron rocks as well, so I might check out 'Flux...

Spyrelicte said...

Wow, just when i thought you were reaching out from the cyclic depravitions of adaptation and remake cinematic bores with something refreshing and interesting to say about film and the incestual lengths that it has gone to to keep itself afloat...stick to behind the curtain, you wizard.

jedith said...

Good gosh! You're back!!

El Midgeto Grande said...

Dont be so hard on Peter, he's done a lot better than his brothers Tito and Jermaine.

Ray Tupatch said...

I like your unique approach to movie reviews. Just wanna say that.

You know, I liked the original King Kong and this remake had absolutely nothing to add to it.

I saw a really good movie at Slamdance last year called Big City Dick. Its not out on DVD yet but you van watch the trailer at http://www.bigcitydick.com/default.htm .

Warning - if you have a problem with ugly guys in movies, this is DEFINATELY not for you. I've met him in person and its all true.

Tx for the great blog - look forward to more.

CraigS said...

Dont be so hard on Peter, he's done a lot better than his brothers Tito and Jermaine.

Not to mention his younger, (kinda) black, half-brother, Michael, who has got into all sorts of trouble...

yournamehere said...

Welcome back. I have no plans to see any Lord of the Rings movies or a King Kong movie. Thank you for reaffirming my convictions.

Stevie K said...

I wish you were ugly so I wouldn't feel like an obsessed loser every time I post on your blog.

CraigS said...

I wish you were ugly so I wouldn't feel like an obsessed loser every time I post on your blog.

Yow...way too much honesty there...

A Sheltered Town said...

I'm ugly on the inside. Is that enough?

Adam said...

Thrilled by your return.

What I'm wanting is for Jackson to go back to his roots making deliberately bad movies. I want to see a big budget Meet the Feebles or Bad Taste. I especially want to see it marketed to all his recently acquired fanboys who are unfamiliar with his other films. I'm seeing a wide release in all the major theater chains of a movie that features castration, the eating of human flesh (perhaps directly after the castration scene--just an idea), and some hardcore puppet fucking.

I'm sure if he gains back the weight, gets one of the Weinstein's drunk and coked up enough, Jackson would get Miramax to greenlight it suspecting it was the next Michael Moore documentary.

CraigS said...

Am I the only one to not express momentous joy at your return? Ah well.

And don't call me "honey" in public - it makes everyone else jealous...

CraigS said...

I wish you were ugly so I wouldn't feel like an obsessed loser every time I post on your blog.

Steve, I'll let you in on a secret. "Shelby" does not exist. AST is actually a middle-aged computer technician who lives with his mum and spends his spare time playing board games. He actually looks a little bit like Peter Jackson.

Hot chix don't talk to film geeks - what were you thinking??!!

A Sheltered Town said...

Craig. It's true. But you comment way too much.

CraigS said...

Bored at work...

viscousgoo said...

More than half of the comments here are either by craigs or AST.

This comment fixes that, but just barely.

Dickolas Wang said...

25th comment!

Demosthenes said...

Yeah Craigs, funny you should quote Steve on the "obsessed loser and excessive posting" bit. In some countries, they call that hypocricy. I mean, AST may as well just hand you her password and let you make your own posts. If you're going to spend your spare working time posting way too much, at least be like dickolas and make it funny and productive.

CraigS said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
jedith said...

Ha Ha! Schoolboy!

CraigS said...

Here's an idea - how about I do and say as I please?

jedith said...

Woah! Where did the previous comment go? It totally ruined my joke.

CraigS said...

I know - I thought it was a bit harsh. Didn't realise you had posted a joke...

omar said...

And I thought I was the only one who thought the LOTR trilogy sucked. I never read the books, I just figured that had something to do with it.

Anonymous said...

I guess the gents that keep bickering with each other about whose opinions are more valid still don't get why she stoped blogging for a while. She wants praise and love, affection and accelades, as most other femmes. Reading conflicting comments is not that great of a high.

Perhaps she stopped blogging for other reasons? Only she really knows that. But as an audience you play a special role. Imagine being at a NIN concert and instead of moshing and losing teeth, everyone is telling the person who sits beside them, how Trent approves of them more than the other?? Right it's gonna be a fukt up show, with shit energy, and eventually Trent will get sick of it all and resort to using hard drugs again.

Just take it easy and be glad that this girl is taking the time to brighten up our lives with her preceptive and intellingent banter. She really doesn't have to, and that Fiona Apple banner probably doesn't pay a lot.

This is just my opinion and I won't defend it if someone does not agree with it, so don't bother.I gotta go skateboarding to the pizza place now Lunch always comes too late Especailly for my Uncle Peter.

Demosthenes said...

Everybody loves a coward, but there are better ways to suck up, pal.

Bother this.

Anonymous said...

I think that whoever writes these blasted blog things has got way too much time on they're hands and eats way too many spuds.
I LOVE TARA REID!!!!

Another Bystander in a World of Dementia said...

Well you can suck her hairy balls.