Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Adaptation.

Yeah, there’s a period on the end of “Adaptation.” Why? Because it’s quirky.

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I’ve never in my life wanted to see LESS of Nicolas Cage yet I was faced with DOUBLE. Not even the thin, semi-good-looking-because-he-has-a-really-famous-family-and-a-lot-of-money Nicolas Cage, no, a fat and balding Cage x 2.

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I haven’t seen this movie in about 3 years and so it’s not exactly fresh in my mind. Maybe if it wasn’t such a piece of shit the first time around, I would have rented it again to make this review a little more movie-related and not just about how much I hate fat and nasty Nick. Speaking of how much I hate Nick Cage, let’s talk about the director of my favourite movie of all time directing likely one of the most typical, predictable, and politically correct movies in the history of typical, predictable and politically correct movies. That’s right, friends, Oliver Stone is going to direct a movie about September 11th (yawn) starring none other than the love of my life, Nicolas Cage as a…

Can you guess?

Yeah, I said Firefighter too.

Nope! Police officer. He’ll star alongside a Mexican guy, for a little spice and PC. I bet he’ll make “off colour” remarks about how addicted to coke he is every 15 minutes and Nick Cage will respond with that signature half a smile he does followed by his “serious-cool” face.

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Oh yeah, Adaptation.

The twins will be referred to as B1 and B2 because Bananas In Pajamas is one of my absolute favourite shows.

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So, Nicolas Cage plays a set of twins who are both aspiring screen writers. B1, I think the thinner of the two, is having better luck since he’s writing mindless action and romantic comedies, but B2 strives for the intellectual mumbo jumbo and fails miserably. I’m pretty sure this is a direct representation of Nick Cage’s attempts at gathering some sort of cult audience with films like 8mm. So then the movie continues and I don’t really remember what happens.

Fast forward to Meryl Streep smoking fertilizer and fucking this really nasty guy with no teeth. They both have a strange obsession with orchids… the flower. No really, this is what it's about I think Meryl (that’s a real pretty name) wrote a book about orchids and No-Teeth is an orchid thief. Fuck, it didn’t make sense to me either.

Now, since everything up to this point is superb writing, let's top it off with a fine ending and if you don't like spoilers, read this and bypass the movie. So... No-Teeth get's eaten by a crocodile.

No, seriously, he does. End scene.

A lot of people have told me that I "just don't get it, man" and that maybe I'll "understand when I'm older" or that if I had ever suffered from writer's block, I'd totally feel Nicolas Cage's pain. Or maybe it's just a shitty movie about fat twins who like flowers and crocodiles.

Yep. I think that's it.

Ps. Movies I've seen this week that are better than Adaptation. - Maria Full of Grace, Apocolypse Now, Hero, A Very Long Engagement, 10 minutes of Hide and Seek, 30 minutes of Coffee and Cigarettes, A Bug's Life.
Pps. Feel free to give movie suggestions for reviewing, I'm feeling uninspired.

64 comments:

Dave Harty said...

Hola. Wow first comment, you must have just posted this, no? I saw this movie at the behest of a screenwriter friend. Yawn. Double yawn. I passed out. What a stupid movie. At least Nick wasn't playing himself like he does in all his other movies. I don't get it, and I don't care. Brian made me promise to watch it again and try to get it. Whatever. On a side note, I managed to find a DVD copy of Amelie to rent, so I picked that up. Maybe I'll watch it tonight. Good news! I have a gay correspondent for Lust on the Subway so I can get a more balanced view of the situation. Although now, I'm starting to think I should get a woman, and then maybe a lesbian too. I'd hate to commit so many people if this blog doesn't go anywhere. Let me know what you think people! And any of you who ride the rails in your (or my) city, consider being a correspondent. It's a fun, albeit free, job.

limeybastard said...

Maria Full of Grace was a great flic but review March of the Penguins if you get a chance seems like it good be really good and original or super boring.

Dave Harty said...

That movie (penguins) looks stupid. Look, once again they're anthropomorphizing animals like every other kids movie. I'm so fucking sick of it. Except, I must say, Iago in Aladin, who was histerical. Shelby, I really think you should review Battle Royale. I know you have a certain disdain for Japanese animation, but live action can be pretty awesome. Just look at Godzilla!

A Sheltered Town said...

Dave Harty -
March of the Peguins is not a kids movie. It is a documentary. It does not "look stupid" it looks like an educational film on penguins and that is what it is. Do you have any idea what movie we're talking about? They aren't anthropomorphizing anything.

Dave Harty said...

Shelby S, I saw the trailer, narrated by Morgan Freeman (In Bryant Park as it was) and I thought it looked stupid. (That's my opinion and you can't change it so :P) You of all people should be able to appreciate first impressions! Besides, saying it looks stupid differs greatly from actually seeing it and making a fair assesment. Still, If they had shot it in 3D IMAX, I'd have a far different opinion!

Pratt said...

Great blog. fun to read...easy to dance to..

Dead Alligator said...

This was the best movie I ever saw, except that it sucked and I didnt see it.

I Gradumenated!! said...

For the amount of time that you've had your blog, you've accomplished a lot. Keep up the good work.

JJ said...

Primer.
Rancho Deluxe.
Ghost in the Shell.
Equilibrium.

jedith said...

I thought Nicholas Cage was getting on in years. Oh well...

CraigS said...

Hilarious review, but you didn't tell me how many stars you gave it...

You've got a real thing about ageing, don't you? Happens to us all...

Next movie to review - "Reservoir Dogs"...

A Sheltered Town said...

I don't do stars, read my previous posts, dear. I will not reduce my opinions down to a number, damnit!

CraigS said...

Did you know you dont need to use photobucket anymore? You can load your images directly into blogger...much easier...

CraigS said...

Where is Demosthenes? It's been a while since he slammed anyone...

A Sheltered Town said...

Demosthenes is on vacation right now. He should be back soon.

Also, I know you don't need to use photo bucket but the first time I used the blogger photo feature, it made my image squished, it didn't resize it properly. When my photobucket limit runs out, I'll probably start using blogger.

Dickolas Wang said...

To paraphrase the best review I ever heard (second-hand) about "Adaptation.":

"One might say the ending is Kaufman being ironic, but then again I could say 'It will be ironic if I shit on this table'. That doesn't make it good.

"5 stars up until Kaufman unloads on the table. Then 2."

CraigS said...

I was being ironic when I asked for stars...

Another Bystander in a World of Dementia said...

I suggest reviewing "Are We There Yet?"

I am sincerely looking forward to your honest and worthy opinion of such a gay movie.

CraigS said...

Movies I've seen this week...Maria Full of Grace, Apocolypse Now, Hero, A Very Long Engagement, 10 minutes of Hide and Seek, 30 minutes of Coffee and Cigarettes, A Bug's Life.

Perhaps you need to get out a little more...

Anonymous said...

Bananas in Pajamas, hmmm, thanks for sharing your phallic thoughts with us!

Anonymous said...

cold dog soup.
watch it.

Graham said...

The quote that Dickolas is referring to comes from the Filthy Critic, who is probably the funniest and most honest movie reviewer on the internet.


"Once Charlie has his brother Donald help, the story becomes the usual suspects: drugs, guns, car chases and man-eating alligators. See, it's Kaufman winking. He's mocking the conventions by using them. But that's pretty crummy. It's like saying "I'm going to make fun of the guy who always comes over and takes a shit on our coffee table by doing it myself. Maybe your crap is ironic, but it still stinks and made a mess...Until Kaufman unloads on the dining room table, though, Adaptation is one fucking great high-wire act. Four Fingers (out of five)."


http://www.bigempire.com/filthy

Dirty Johnny said...

Why don't you review breakfast? We could use some new material...

Dickolas Wang said...

Mad props Graham, you my number one nigga.

The Moviequill said...

I still think Nick should have played Andy Kaufman in Man In The Moon...at one of my writer's meetings I made the comment of 'well, Charlie Kaufman did it..' to be yelled at 'you're no Charlie Kaufman!'

Demosthenes said...

I hate Nicolas Cage! LOATHE HIM. The man, if you can call him that, looks like a half-dead stoner who, if given the chance to read, would be the type to stutter. Not to offend any stutterers here, because I know that none of you would want to be compared to that sunken-cheeked, sallow-faced, heavy-lidded piece of what is supposedly an actor. He isn't even in the F.A.G. (swap him and Damon any day). And the worst part of it all is that he gets cast in a bunch of action films. I just can't see this guy running around in, for example, Windtalkers or National Treasure, being a hard-core soldier/adventurer when he isn't even a hard-core person. You have to be one before you're the other. It is for this reason I haven't even seen either of those movies. I did, unfortunately, see Gone in 60 seconds. Good movie, but totally ruined by Mr. Cage.


BTW, I'm back from vacation.

Andy said...

Go look up "The Hole" it is sort of a twisted American Pie with Thora Birch being sick and twisted.

Anonymous said...

But what about all Nic's good movies, like Family Man and Face/Off and The Rock and Gone in 60 Seconds and...oh, wait. That's right.

A Sheltered Town said...

I've seen The Hole. It was alright. I won't subject myself to "Are We There Yet?", sorry folks. Equilibrium has the love of my life in it, so it's a possibility. Reservoir Dogs... We'll see.

Dave Harty said...

I liked Nick in Face/Off, especially that scene when his face was off. (I liked Dominique Swain better though.) I first saw him in Peggy Sue Got Married when I was like ten. Then his thrilled me with his roll in Raising Arizona (another childhood favorite, not sure why.) I thought he was awesome in Bringing Out The Dead.

CraigS said...

I never forgave Kaufman for stealing my name in BJM...that sucked...

Anonymous said...

Adaptation was a great film for I guess, a mature, more intellectual audience.

You'll all get it when you're older.

Best line of the movie: "You are what you love, not what loves you."

CraigS said...

I couldn't get into Raising Arizona. Really strange when I liked all the other Coen films so much...

G-Man said...

I have yet to meet a single person who liked Adaptation who isn't a failed/aspiring screenwriter.

Nic Cage is the only "movie star" (i.e. $20+ million bracket) who can truly act and who's willing to take chances rather than play it safe. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't.

I had to walk out of Equilibrium. By the time CB picked up the puppy, I was ready to hurl. Talk about ham-fisted directing.

Anonymous said...

you're a cunt

CraigS said...

Wow, that takes balls...

A Sheltered Town said...

Not really, he does it all the time. We're all used to it.

eponymous said...

I'm with Dave in that you should totally review Battle Royale or you could try Ichi the Killer. Both are excellent.

Has anyone out there seen Haute Tension yet? I hear it's quite the gore-fest...

Dave Harty said...

Shelber, I finally saw Amelie and I don't want to return it to Blockbuster! I love it! Did travelocity rip off the traveling knome thing from this movie? I love all the characters and how the characters get developed. I'm going to watch it again tonight with the commentary.

Anonymous said...

"...well I've seen them buried in a Sheltered place in this Town
they tell You that this rain can sting, and look down
there is no blood around see no sign of pain
hay ay ay no pain
seeing no red at all, see no rain

I am standing up at the water's edge in my dream
I cannot make a single sound as you scream
it can't be that cold, the ground is still warm to touch
this place is so quiet, sensing that storm

red rain is coming down
red rain
red rain is pouring down
pouring down all over me

putting the pressure on much harder now
to return again and again
just let the red rain splash you
let the rain fall on your skin
I come to you defences down
with the trust of a child!

red rain is coming down
red rain
red rain is pouring down
pouring down all over me
and I can't watch any more
no more denial
it's so hard to lay down in all of this!
red rain is coming down...
red rain is coming down all over me...
I'm bathing in...red rain...
Red Rain, I'm begging You..."

The refrain remains the same, in the Main.However, 7x7, now & forever , will remind You of lost treasure. Make your measure, find your pleasure, dance the better, in the weather, unfetter letters - doesn't matter, all this clatter, fill your platter, before hate tatters: Love, Life & Hope. Dove - Wife - The tropes. DOWN WITH misanthropes, hangman's ropes, those who cope by means of dope.
There is no soap to help You cope. Brothers, future Mothers!; to Love
another, the only rudder, these rivers dressed as quivers, will
deliver. Spit LOVE in the face of Death! Take a breath from the Lamb, don't act damned! Rise, Woman, arise! Jah Lives! There is no Other. Teach each other. Words from a Celtic Brother. Mists, Twists, Lists, Amiss...WISH, WIS. WI.. W... .33 - A Wiretapped Christ.

CraigS said...

Not really, he does it all the time. We're all used to it.

You never got used to that irony thing, did ya Shelby?

Demosthenes said...

"Shelber"?

Typo or pathetic attempt at a pet name... I'm pondering that, Dave.

G-Man said...

Battle Royale, Ichi the Killer are all great movies, but my favorite Japanese movie has got to be Audition.

It's one of the best psychological horror movies I've seen.

Hard Candy took a lot of its cues from it.

CraigS said...

"Shelber"?

Typo or pathetic attempt at a pet name... I'm pondering that, Dave.


Good to have you back "Demos"...

Dave Harty said...

Neither, Demosthoney, I was bored. I'm not hung up on picture girl. I like the little love/hate community here though. And I like Amelie!

CraigS said...

Whats happened to Elohimus? Is he on holidays too?

Jason said...

Adaptation is one of the worst movies I have ever seen. Awful.

Anonymous said...

All I got to say is who cares.

Anonymous said...

I never saw this movie. I don't care if I see this movie, but I noticed something of interest in your profile.
Zodiac Year:: Dog

Since your zodiac year is dog,does that mean you like doggy style more then the other positions

Dickolas Wang said...

50th comment!

CraigS said...

Since your zodiac year is dog,does that mean you like doggy style more then the other positions


gosh, how witty...

Anonymous said...

I know you have more to say than how much you liked or disliked a movie shell.
the rest of these monkeys will always read, they'll always comment on how right you are (or how wrong if the want to fein intelligence - depends how they feel really) and as long as men have dicks there will always be posts about how you might like a cock inside of you.
I can see movies for myself, I want something I cant get with a video card.

CraigS said...

the rest of these monkeys will always read, they'll always comment on how right you are

Damn, you're right. I am a monkey. I was hoping no-one would figure it out. Cover blown. Darn. Shouldn't have tried to pull the wool over your eyes. Too smart for me anon, too smart by far...

Ashley said...

I've never seen a blog with so many comments 0_O

Another Bystander in a World of Dementia said...

Then you havent seen

www.darthside.blogspot.com

AST may have had some bad memories on that site... eh? X )

Ashley said...

Another Bystander in a World of


Thanks for pointing out that SW blog. I like Star Wars. I mean I like to watch the movies,but I am not a Star Wars fanatic who collects Sw action figures. Some of the aliens are way out there,but at least sw aliens are not just actors (Star Trek) who have some bumpy makeup slapped on their foreheads.

I have seen worse movies then adaption,and they were so bad all I can recall are flashes of those movies.Not even a title.

I do not know your first name. Shall I call you Shelby or a Sheltered Town.
Try a review of Gormenghast if you can rent it.

Another Bystander in a World of Dementia said...

No prob adrik,

Anyways, have any of you people watched the "Great Escape"?

It had Steve McQueen and Charles Bronson in it...

Its the coolest 40 year old movie I have ever seen...

CraigS said...

Anyways, have any of you people watched the "Great Escape"?

Oh yeah, great movie!

But best ever war movie is "Bridge on the River Kwai"...

elhalo said...

maria full of grace is pretty good!
I saw the machinist over the weekend and it is good too..

Another Bystander in a World of Dementia said...

Alright cool..

I'll try to get "Bridge on the River Kwai" next time I can remember my blockbuster password.

CraigS said...

Cool.

And you'll see what a tragedy it is that Alec Guiness is only remembered for "Star Wars".

Dave Harty said...

I think when a post hits 60 comments, it's time to move on...watch any good movies lately?

CraigS said...

Yeah, watched Taxi Ride during the week. A pretty amazing film - but I thought "Raging Bull" was better.

I didn't really like the "everyone lived happily ever after" ending. I read somewhere it was meant to be "ironic". The irony escapes me - perhaps someone can explain it...

Anonymous said...

I'm telling you...
http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/cold_dog_soup/