Blogging

So this is the one month post. This particular blog has been around for, you guessed it, one full month today. A month ago, I was chatting with Dickolas Wang and predicting the lasting-time that the blog would have. He gave it 3 weeks, I gave it 2. Looks like we’re both losers.

Anyway. I took requests for the big one month-er and they all either sucked shit or were nowhere to be found. I was planning on doing Super Troopers (since everyone seems to love that shitfest), but it was already rented out (likely to one of you) and so I was left to rent GOOD movies, which are no fun to read about. Alas, my genius led me towards the inevitable topic of “Blogging”.



I’ve never been a blog supporter. I generally refuse to read people’s blogs, mainly because I don’t give a shit about their day but also because it’s mundane and over done. Being nagged and nagged continuously by various different folks, I decided to finally give in and start up my own. Facing ridicule and mocked by many, I tried to redeem my turn to the dark side (Star Wars is gay), by actually writing something somewhat entertaining to read.

Other than the constant jabs at my looks, opinions, style, comments, commentary, writing, etc etc etc, the blogging experience hasn’t been too bad. I suffered through a 45-comment frenzy from people who wanted to kill me vs. people who wanted to fuck me and somehow made it out alive.



My general opinion on blogging and bloggers is that I hate it/them. Unless they’ve got a lot of style, reading about teenage angst, your uninformed political drivel, or the various reasons why I should finally take that leap towards Christianity, just doesn’t appeal to me.

There are a select few blogs I enjoy reading, and those people are extremely lucky. I said hell would freeze over before I became a blogger, but I’ve changed it to, Hell will freeze over before I talk about how my day went on my blog. You can all thank (or send the hate mail to) my pal, who likely wants to remain nameless because he’s extremely paranoid, Matt, for making me take the final leap and actually join Blogger to rant about why everything I don’t like is so shitty.

Ps. All the fine drawings are done by Hugh Macleod from Gaping Void. He’s got a great blog and his drawings are absolutely amazing.

Waking Life

I don’t assume many of you have seen this one but hear goes.



A lucid dream is defined as “a dream state in which one is conscious enough to recognize that one is in the dream state.” Generally, it means that one not only realizes they are dreaming, but can will the dream to take any action they please. For example, in a lucid dream, one can fly, have sex with whomever they choose, or have whatever Jedi powers they’d like.

What a crock of shit.

This particular movie, Waking Life, deals with the subject of lucid dreaming but, as you can’t take “Kicking and Screaming” seriously, you ought not to take this movie’s view on “Lucidity” too seriously.

Directed by Richard Linklater, who also did School of Rock and Dazed and Confused, it’s hard to believe that this director is capable of dealing with such serious and thought-provoking subject matter as “Dream is Destiny” or “Death and Reality”. Although he may not have the skills, he certainly tries to take it on in this film.

The movie is quite well done, to be honest. It’s filmed and then animated over, giving it a certainly unique look and making it a rather interesting experience to watch. Basically a collection of different interviews with different people discussing philosophy and psychology, the movie’s animation gets looser and tighter (I know what you’re thinking), based on the extremity or believability of the various interviewees. Often it’s difficult to make out where the face is on a particular character, where it’s occasionally possible to name the exact actor in other scenes.



If this movie is a tribute to the great life philosophers and philosophies of the past however many years, then it’s a great movie. If this movie is a collection of various philosophies that Richard Linklater claims as his own ideas, then this movie is a piece of shit. I view this film as a limited encyclopedia. It’s the views of Plato, Nietzsche, Dostoevsky, Aristotle, and DH Lawrence to name a few, crammed together in an hour and a bit of rotoscoped originality.

It could likely be considered pseudo-intellectual (Eg. Elephant) but it’s not half bad, if you don’t take it for face value.

"The idea is to remain in a state of constant departure while always arriving."

Ps. The one month mark is coming up, I’m taking requests for the June 27th posting. What would you like reviewed?

Amelie/Love Me If You Dare

The French are good for one thing, romantic comedies. That’s not saying that the French aren’t useless, they are, but their take on romance in cinema is far beyond the usual romantic comedy formula we see in North American movies to date.

This post was actually a request from my mulatto brotha’ frum anotha’ motha’ “Singul Mather” (please don’t kill me, big guy) but since I haven’t seen Amelie in ages, I decided to couple it with a review of another fabulous romantic comedy by the Frogs.

Amelie –


Audrey Tautou. What a fucking cutie. It makes me sick. The entire movie depends on this girl’s absolutely incredible acting. The girl has a whimsical curiosity about her, a real presence. Let’s not forget the genius of the actual story. I mean, a love story told by the French is a true fairy tale. The colours, the characters, the odd bouts of animation, Amelie’s cute quirks, and the narration are something to be marveled. When this movie came out, everyone suddenly became “cultured” and “into” foreign films. Well, if this is the only foreign film you see, that’s alright with me, it’s a good one.



Love Me If You Dare–


Certainly less popular than Amelie but hardly inferior, this film is so fabulous. This ranks up there as one of the most original love stories I’ve seen in film, close behind Pearl Harbour. Again, the movie relies much on the acting and also includes small bits of animation and is narrated. (I tend to have a liking for narrated films.) The movie begins with a game of “Dare” between two children, that continues throughout their entire life, making it difficult for any real emotions to develop. Rather than the usual 5-minute argument in any She’s All That love story, the anger and ugliness in this film doesn’t go away, it’s a main character. Both movies are hilarious, sad, depressing, inspiring and on and on.



North American Romantic Comedies –

Don’t freak out on me. I know that not ALL North American romantic comedies run like this and I know that not ALL foreign romantic comedies don’t, I’m clearly making a generalization.

Girl and Guy meet.
Girl and Guy fall in love.
Girl and Guy have some sort of secret or lie between them.
Girl or Guy finds out the secret or lie in a big dramatic scene.
Girl or Guy runs away in a fit of anger or sadness.
Girl or Guy runs after the sad one.
Girl and Guy make up.
Girl and Guy live happily ever after.

Example: How To Lose a Guy In 10 Days, She’s All That, Along Came Polly, Pretty Woman, You’ve Got Mail, Rock Star, Pearl Harbour, 10 Things I Hate About You, The Princess Diaries, Bridget Jones’s Diary, Shallow Hal, The Wedding Planner, Chasing Liberty, Simply Irresistible, Almost Famous, Josie and The Pussycats, A Walk To Remember, Life Or Something Like It, 28 Days, Hitch, Bubble Boy, Empire Records, Closer, Sweet November, Chasing Amy, About a Boy, Save The Last Dance, Love Actually, Maid in Manhattan, How To Deal, Runaway Bride, The Good Girl, Two Weeks Notice, Jersey Girl, and shall I go on?

They’re made to make money and they make it, so be it.

Ps. Pearl Harbour is quite possibly the worst movie in existence.
Pps. This makes the Negro community and I even.

www.TShirtHell.com

Many of the fine folks I bless with my presence know about my devout love for an apparel company called T-Shirt Hell. The fine folks also know about my recent and devout hatred for the company, as shown with my msn nickname “Suck my cock, t-shirt hell”. I’d like to publicly announce my newest realization: I love T-Shirt Hell!

I found this company online a few years ago and instantly fell in love. Many of the people that (still) talk to me are well aware of my rather offensive sense of humour and I tend to pride myself on having “no line”. Any joke has the potential of being funny. Whether it be a joke about a deaf, dumb and blind kid getting cancer, an African American fellow getting arrested or a classic sex-with-minors joke, it’s simply about timing, execution and having a worthy audience.

Just because a joke has something to do with you directly, doesn’t mean it’s not funny. I can’t even count the abundant amount of e-mails that t-shirt hell has received (they’re posted on the site) that go off about “Well, the shirts about black people were super funny but cancer? My mom died of cancer, please stop making shirts about it”. Let’s stop fooling ourselves; if you’re a racist, you don’t have the right to get offended by dead mom jokes. You’re either in or you’re out. You’ve either got a line, or you don’t.

The site features a “Worse Than Hell” section where all of the potentially extremely offensive shirts are stored. I have lost many “friends” because of the Worse Than Hell section and so I was thoroughly disappointed when the entire section was taken down.

Ok. I wasn’t disappointed. I was steaming fucking mad.

The section was taken down because “people were needlessly offended” by the shirts in there. This meant that T-Shirt Hell had a line and I don’t believe in lines.

To make a long story somewhat shorter, the site was really taken down because someone poisoned the creator of T-Shirt Hell. I’m serious. What a joke.

A news report was posted on the site along with a notice from the creator himself explaining the entire issue and announcing the re-launch of Worse Than Hell. Along with the launch came six absolutely stunning t-shirts including “Dave Chappelle went back to Africa. One down.”

Aaron Schwarz, the creator, has decided that he is willing to be a martyr for free speech and for that, I thank him. My baby is back!

Visit the site.
Subscribe to the rudest and most entertaining newsletter in existence.
Buy shit.
Buy shit.
Buy shit.

Censorship is obscene.

The Princess Bride/Saw/Cary Elwes

Why bother reviewing such a timeless classic that deserves nothing but the kindest words to describe it?

Cary Elwes.
What a train wreck.

Cary Elwes was the fine figured, quick-witted gentleman better known as Westley. The true hero, the real prince, the love of every young girl’s life, the envy of every beau of Princess Buttercup, Westley was hot shit.



I’ll be honest: I’ve probably seen about 4½ movies that Cary has been in, and usually I wasn’t even aware that it was him. Then came Saw.

I heard about Saw ages before it came out, long before it was in film festivals and I was beyond excited about it. I sent everyone to see the wicked trailer with the reverse bear trap that tears that woman’s jaw apart, and the psycho puppet that still laughs nightly in my dreams and I got everyone else equally as pumped about the flick.

For the record, Saw is a good movie.

But what the fuck is with Cary Elwes? He was “Lawrence”, the cheating, paler than a ghost, doctor with the off/on English accent. Baby, honey, sweetie, you let me down. The only “name” in this movie and he turns out to be the worst thing to happen to it.

The plot, the idea, the story… the entire thing is absolutely brilliant (that can apply to both movies), but the core difference between the two movies is that in one Cary Elwes steals my heart, and in the other, Cary Elwes shits all over it with his crappy accent.



What an insult to an amazing movie.

At various points throughout Saw, we witness some heart-wrenching screams for help, some bad red eye shadow (he’s tired), and some “I’ll never let go, Jack” titanic moments. And just imagine how his ten dollar acting school skills pay off when he has to saw off his own foot!



Oh come on, like you didn’t know that was gonna happen.

Ps. I own both of these movies, so I’m not talking too much shit.
Pps. There is a Saw 2 in the making.
Ppps. The soundtrack to Saw is amazing. It’s all done by Charlie Clouser, formerly of Nine Inch Nails.

The Machinist

It's as simple as this:



Go rent The Machinist.

Dogville

Let's move on, folks.

Maybe I should actually finish watching this movie before I review it. Or maybe they should actually have a SET to keep me entertained for an hour and fourty minutes.

Don’t get wrong, I’m all for artsy fartsy films, and I’m known for having quite a liking for them but this is a bit too far.

Nicole Kidman stars alongside Paul Bettany (Wimbledon, A Knight’s Tale) in the story of a woman who escapes gunshots and ends up in an incredibly tiny dead-end town surprisingly called Dogville. She meets this guy named Tom Edison and he tells her to stay in the town, the people don’t want her there because she’s a criminal, he convinces them that she’s safe and then I turned it off.

It doesn’t sound half bad, right?

Yes, it does, but not only does it SOUND awful, it IS awful. The movie is filmed like a play. It’s on a sound stage of sorts with the houses, trees, mines, dogs and so on DRAWN onto the stage.

Am I joking?

No. I’m not joking.

It’s like a blueprint. There are no doors or walls in the film, the actors simply knock at thin air. Wait a second, this movie is starting to sound familiar. Oh yeah, I did this in grade 8 drama class at my low budget school that offered 3 electives.

Lars Von Trier blew me away with “Dancer in the Dark” (which you should see), but fell shorter than a midget with this one.

Oh, and I hate Nicole Kidman.

People Who Take Things Too Seriously

Are you JOKING?

This blog has been up less than a week and there’s already a hit out for my life?

Two negative comments were made towards my blog in the past few days. I feel, rather than replying to each individually, I should make a post out of it. I’m doing this so that any future complaints will be answered in a respectful and calm fashion.

The first, about Star Wars, was unintelligible so instead of including the original, I included my rewritten version:
"Well, clearly this joker has no life, no sense of irony and no imagination. You're the kind of person that likes to critique everything and write it off as lame. Movies aren't always supposed to be life changing. In fact, this series was so far ahead of its time, that if you don't appreciate it, then you are the typical geek that we talk about. You might as well go watch a Michael Moore movie, or choose a Ford Focus instead of a Shelby because it is more economical. Come join the living and get over your depression." – Anonymous

And the second, about Kicking and Screaming:
“Does anyone in here know anything about the term, "target demographics?" Well obviously not. This "movie" was not intended for an intellectually mature audience, and apparently, neither is this review. It's a "family movie" you morons. It's intended to yield profits off the original fiscal investment. Get over it. Not all movies are intended to be legitimate forms of artistic and/or social commentary. This is NOT, I repeat, NOT, a movie to be taken seriously. If you don't understand that, you may want to keep your elementary opinions to yourself. Just so you know, there are hundreds of terrible movies made every year with the intentions of making money. What's next, a review on the new Britney Spears album? Let me guess, "it sucks." What a revelation. A wise man once said, "Don't speak your opinions on subjects you know nothing about." Heed his words.” – Stating The Obvious

Firstly, everyone needs to understand something: The new Britney Spears album does not suck but I don’t believe it’s her best to date. I personally enjoyed “Britney” much better than “In the Zone” and it’s a shame she released a Greatest Hits so early in the game. “In The Zone” had too many gimmicky voice alterations for my liking. “Britney” seemed raw, the true Britney Spears exposed for the world to gander at.


Secondly, Michael Moore is a fat ass.


Thirdly, I am not an intellectually mature audience.

Fourthly, and most importantly, this blog is hardly a social commentary. This blog is where I can grab freedom of speech by the balls and slam it against the wall. Are my opinions wrong? They’re opinions, “Stating the Obvious”, they can’t be wrong.

Lastly, Kicking and Screaming was a pile of shit and if that’s what is being presented to the target audience, well then I apologize to the children on behalf of Lars Ulrich or whatever the hell the director’s name is.

If you don’t like my clearly biased opinion of movies, music, food, people, inanimate objects or anything else I can muster up, then don’t read them. We’re given the freedom of speech and the freedom of choice. If you choose not to listen to what I say, I won’t lose sleep.

For those of you who love me and my stuck up “intellectually mature” opinions, stick around.

Oh, and this is NOT, I repeat NOT, a blog to be taken seriously. If you don't understand that, you may want to keep your elementary opinions to yourself.

Ps. Don’t comment saying that Lars Ulrich did not direct “Kicking and Screaming”. I know he didn’t. I wrote a post on it less than a week ago.