Thursday, July 21, 2005

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

So I have been asked countless times (3) to review new movies, the ones still fresh in theatres. I saw a shitload (5) this week, so here’s what you asked for.

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I’m not the type to bash things just because everyone else loves them (I am) and so, believe it or not, I’m not going to say unkind things about this film. It was well done, as most people predicted. Johnny Depp was magical, the graphics were impeccable, the laughs, the tears… all genuine. It was surprisingly not a huge insult to the original movie or the book. I think it did them proud.

Shall I quote myself? “But Shelby, you can’t possibly like EVERYTHING about a movie! You’re too much of a critical bitch for that.”

Well you’d be right again.

I saw an interview with Johnny Depp about the making of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and the interviewee pointed out their choice to stay away from Digital Imaging. A wise choice, since it always looks fake (I’ve seen Lord of the Rings). For example, they trained REAL squirrels to crack nuts all day. Quite the task. So… if they can get 70 squirrels, why didn’t they get…

I never thought it was possible to strip midgets of their god-given hilarity. Yet this movie managed to do that very thing. Instead of hiring 30 midgets, they hired 1. I think that’s an insult to midget-kind. They hired one midget and digitally imaged him to be 100 or so. You’ll train 70 squirrels but not hire a couple midgets to make the whole thing a bit more realistic?

This brings up a sore subject for many little folk. Don’t the people in show business realize how many midgets are in dire need of jobs? So many are drawn to the cruel world of Midget Porn (click that if you’re of age and not at work, please) just to feed their undersized bellies. Millions (probably) are trying to break out of midget porn and midget wrestling and into a role where they can truly be respected despite their stature. What better role than the one of an Oompa Loompa?

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Protest this movie in honour of midgets everywhere.

55 comments:

velvet midget said...

I love midgets! I myself am the worlds tallest midget and I just wanted to say thanks for finally acknowledging us. I am in the process of creating a midget only TV channel called channel 69 and a half. Watch for it soon. THANKS AGAIN!

Anonymous said...

Hmm. You want "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" to be more realistic?

Uh.

-Captain Moody

Dickolas Wang said...

My money's on the one in red.

He means business.

Elohimus Maximus said...

you think your hot...you can tell by the pic...but again the only thing that truely matters is not how beautiful (by the way will you marry me?) you are...its if you are saved in the afterlife...we can help. Join our church.
The Church of Jesus Christ of Even More Latter Day Saints

A Sheltered Town said...

I'm ugly on the inside too.

Elohimus Maximus said...

I'm sure you could be...but its up to God to decide...blasphemy is really sexy...can I link to your site since you are obviously an inspired follower and member of the only true church on earth?
The church of Jesus Christ of Even More Latter Day Saints

A Sheltered Town said...

Obviously. Thanks, darling.

Supermans Foot said...

Very clever. Midgets are funny and I think I may go watch the movie anyway (only to take my neice of course!)

Demosthenes said...

I think we can add a new category to the kind of people who comment on this blog: Those who want to convert you AND want to do you. Maybe it will be a sub-category...

Elohimus Maximus said...

did you see your link on the church's site? If its too embarrasing to let everyone know how HOT you are I will change it. The Lord told me to say that...
The Church of Jesus Christ of Even More Latter Day Saints

Joe Important said...

What other movies did you see? I saw "Murderball" last night and "Mad Hot Ballroom" last week. "Ballroom" was good, but "Murderball" was awesome. I highly recommend it.

Another Bystander in a World of Dementia said...

demontheses. you make a very good point. Here's another suck up and me too comment for AST(no doubt, I think you might have a ton of that, but what the hell, I'll try my luck for a correspondence.)

P.S Have you ever considered reviewing books?

If you find that a bad idea,
maybe you should try other stuff to review.

May I suggest churches?

A Sheltered Town said...

1. Movies I saw this week: Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Batman (I heart Christian Bale), Bewitched, March of the Penguins and Wedding Crashers. I'm ashamed to admit, I enjoyed them all. I may review March Of the Penguins, possibly Batman but not likely.

2. I have considered reviewing music, as has been suggested by many of my friends. I probably won't review churches/religion, it gets too personal. I'm a rather passionate Atheist. I'll likely review the Nine Inch Nails concert, but I'll tell you now: It will be amazing.

Keep reading.
Ps. The Terminal looked a tad... unrealistic? The guy learns English in like, 20 minutes.

Adam said...

I wish I had the fucking money to see new films. As it is, I rely on my lame blockbuster account to get ahold of 'unlimited' rental movies (I hate Blockbuster like the impoverished Asians hate rice) for 15 bucks a month. The rest of my money goes towards whiskey, Pabst, and the occasional Sparks or Liquid Charge. I do not regret my priorities.

All the same, I heard Depp was as daring in this movie as he was in Pirates of the Caribbean. The most respected hack critic Roger Ebert (why did Gene Siskel die instead? There is no God damn God) said Depp was the most distracting and detracting force in the movie. I hope he's as wrong and lame as I suspect he is.

Demosthenes said...

Make sure you see the Island. They better not ruin my fantastic script. Wouldn't want to bring poor Ms. Scarlet into a lawsuit.

A Sheltered Town said...

I guess it depends who you are. I can understand how some people wouldn't like Depp's character. He has one liners and cute little quirks that could be considered annoying but I think their consistency makes them more genuine. I mean, Willy Wonka has quirks, so Depp's portrayal of him has to as well. I think it's Johnny Depp bashing time because everyone loves him so much. For a lot of people, he can do no wrong. I've never been a huge JD fan, but he did well in this movie.

Elohimus Maximus said...

God has spoken his beautiful word. check it out.
The Church of Jesus Christ of Even More Latter Day Saints

Elohimus Maximus said...

Have you ever gotten Rabbies from bat guanno in the caves? I hear that happens...will you marry me.
The Church of Jesus Christ of Even More Latter Day Saints

357martini said...

Your reviews are.....uhm.......how can I say......oh forget about it.

Anonymous said...

martini i know exactly what you meant... but it's just some cute highschool girl playing with her computer and a bunch of dorks who idolize her... it's kinda cute... and sad i guess.

Anonymous said...

Yesterday, I found myself in the odd circumstance of not being
willfully and pleasantly glued to the phone with my companion, for the enitirety of a day. And so, I rallied the countless troops (1 - my sad-sack self) and sallied forth skipping in my markedly merry way down to the local theatre to reconvene with my old cronies: Mr. Wonka and friends. (damn, I wish I could still find those Wonka Nerds, does anybody know where I can find them? We don't get them here in Outer Mongolia). After forcing myself through the unruly mob of AST supporters/suitors heeding her call to picket the grounds, I dug up my grandfather's last quarter and was summarily granted my Golden Ticket for the afternoon's special event. I had it in mind, as on innumerable other occassions (2332), that I was in store for yet another hackneyed and trite retelling of a movie that I had always had a soft spot for in my childhood. My affection for Gene Wilder as the irrepressibly bizarre Mr. Wonka was to leave little possibility for the swaying of my opinion in favour of some haphazard imitation, albeit in the form of an actor of such grand stature (sorry little folk, I will make my amends with you in a moment) as Johnny Depp. As soon as I was settled into the cold and dark theatre (my groin suprisingly not tingling) I also felt the dread expectation that I was set to fall into the open mineshaft of an overabundance of hyper-teched imagery with little recourse to true story-telling once again. The opening scenes did little to help assuage my fears, in fact increasing my trepidation. However, soon enough, the story began in earnest and I slipped into a sentimental nostalgia as I am prone to doing when I see something that I think would make my woman friend feel innocent again. The trademark Burtonesque proclivity for unique colour filtration palates and the abundance of quirky, hardly noticeable additions to his mise-en-scene, filled to saturation point with fine detail, were once again in full evidence. I have always admired Burton's ability to mix a romantic sensibility with the gothicly moribund, a difficult juxtaposition. Depp's character portrayal was spot on. In fact in ways it may be said that he surpassed the original Wilder role (sorry Wonka nerds (of the human variety) - if such a strange coterie exists). His inimitable affectation of odd voices and vocal inflections is a remarkable talent (reminding me of one of the only other Hollywood actors whose own multivalent methods I appreciate - Sean Penn). Depp's spectral existence behind bug-eyed glasses that would make even Bono look normal, and his delivery in a falsetto and stilted tone were exceptional.
But, let us get to the point of contention raised by AST: The Oompa Loompas (or would it be best to say THE Oompa Loompa?) My God, if given the chance, (am I taking it right now?) I could write a dissertation on how the new technologies and their detrimental capacity to replicate not just individuals but the very acts inherent in the trade (formerly) known as acting itself, are creating a moribund and undisciplined crop of new filmmakers. Granted these new forms certainly allow for surreal contextualizations but in a world where the surreal has become the norm, how novel is this approach anymore? (Dali, Ernst, Bunuel rolling synchronously in their graves(all painted by Magritte)) It seems to me and certainly others here to be somewhat excessive. I understand that the use of 1 actor in place of a cast of dozens would have its advantages, not just monetarily. And in the case of this movie the makers should not be called wholly to task for such an application, as the indistinguishable nature of filmic clones could have perhaps added an element to this work which demanded just such similarities. Though it did not. It also was useful to allow for the flawless choreography involved in the group scenes. But this is the very item that I similarly, alongside AST, take issue with. This 'perfect' mechanicality is what many viewers are growing weary of. What is left of the human element in the cold sterility of computer generated actors and actresses? It makes one long for the days of old, with the impossibly long shoots, difficult co-ordination and cutting-room work that would invariably lead to a more satisfyingly organic finished product that was present in the starkly contrasting original. I would also have preferred the employment of
MANY diminuitive people (my chosen euphemism for them. you are people
too. We love you. And I promise never to step on you when I see you...again) rather than just that one god-awful little man. I also
felt that the absurdly Lilliputian dimensions given to the actor/images was an unnecessary distraction. The D.I. work did have it's strong features but most of the time I was left longing for the kitsch of the original in it's inevitably more flawed and humane approach. I certainly wish this reliance on technology would be found as a passing fad and that there would be a return to real storytelling, real filmaking and more importantly real acting. For this, I hold out little hope. However, my passions die hard. So until this glorious day, you will find me taking up AST's call to arms, amongst the minions of her admirers (each with a distinct personality of their own, as she would have it) and arriving to man the barricades in favour of all 'midget-kind', waving a little
(very little) red revolutionary flag with my hands curled into angry ballad fists.

Best of luck to a wonderful young woman writer who constantly has me in stitches with her talent for incisive comments suffused with a Rabelaisian sense of humour.

p.s. Dark Angel; If you can bring yourself to leave your new-found love of GOD and follow me down into the pit with all the other 'beasts', I will promise to take you to all the performances here in Hell. We have almost all of the best performers down here. And I now have a floor seat reserved, JUST FOR YOU.
Love.

Anonymous said...

Unbelievable! Somebody on a blog knows how to write.

Anonymous said...

Unbelievable? Well believe, nay, understand that the above written commentary was just that, a commentary. And as such was inspired and informed by the style and content of the blog's hostess. Without the fruits of her keen wit, I would have had nothing to write about. Truly. She deserves the credit. I suggest that you go back and read her previous posts if you need any further indication of her primed powers of observation.

Anonymous said...

It hurts to read some of the comments in here... it really does.

Elohimus Maximus said...

it only hurts because you are sad. You are sad because you don't know the purpose of life. You dont know because you aren't in the only true church on earth today. Repent and be saved sinners!
The Church of Jesus Christ of Even More Latter Day Saints

Elohimus Maximus said...

The Lord has decided that A Sheltered Town is hilarious and will recieve her own planet.
The Church of Jesus Christ of Even More Latter Day Saints

Demosthenes said...

Please, for all our sake's, tone down the brown-nosing. We all know you want AST, but I bet she is getting pretty annoyed with it. In fact, I KNOW she is.

Anonymous said...

It's pathetic actually. Get a grip. There are a lot of lonely, desperate people in here.

This site has really deteriorated since the last time I visited.

PS - I couldn't possibly care less about you AST.

PPS - Will someone please arrange an AST fan-club meeting where you can all get together in person and bitch about whatever you want to bitch about so I can stop by and open fire on all of you. Thanks.

A Sheltered Town said...

Well gosh golly, talk about a negative nancy!

Anonymous said...

My apologies demosthenes, but you've got it all wrong. AST has been doing this for ages, and her choice to do a blog is just the latest medium with which she is desperately gathering followers of her rarified, beautiful body. for some likely very unfortunate reason, she gets some kind of orgasmic reaction whenever two or more are gathered staring at her tits. personally, i don't give a shit for the whole thing. she may be good looking, and sweet, but it turns out she's desperate, lonely, and in serious need of a shift in perspective. if she continues to live only on the fuel of others clamouring for a fuck of her, she's heading towards a deadly waterfall, i'd say. i hope she figures it out. she has a pretty good act going on, but it's quite see-through.

-FFT

Anonymous said...

Wow... someone actually has a sense of reality in here! I'm in shock! Or maybe, just maybe... everyone's in on the joke. Poor Shelby. I really can't believe this thing's still up and running... How pathetic is that?

Dickolas Wang said...

Oh for fuck's sakes.

Anonymous Midwest Girl said...

Great review! Thanks!

Anonymous Midwest Girl said...

And wow, Sheltered, not to pull an Elohimus Maximus, but you are smokin' hot!

emb said...

I think they prefer to be called "little people" or "dwarves." So when are you and Elohimus gonna get hitched? I heard it's never too late to save oneself.

G-Man said...

Looks like I've missed out on some pretty good movies.

Watched The Cooler the other day.

Great stuff. Who knew Alec could still move mountains...

I love your new fanbase. Creepy and literate. Nice touch!

Anonymous said...

Don't forget desperate and attention starved.

PS - Is AMG the hottest girl I've ever seen or what? Can I come play at your house? This party's full of creeps and dorks.

Raja said...

nice blog i should learn smt from u

yournamehere said...

So, anonymous wants to shoot you and everyone who reads your blog? I no longer allow anonymous comments on my blog because of cowardly fucks like that. Let us see your brilliant work, motherfucker. You probably live in your mother's basement and your computer's keyboard reeks of sweaty dick and cheetos.

Keep up the good work, ms. sheltered. Don't let the bastards get you down.

Dickolas Wang said...

40th comment!

Dickolas Wang said...

I bet you thought I'd outgrown that. You thought wrong.

Elohimus Maximus said...

I think you all need to respect women a little more...AST is in her church clothes in that photo for our Lord Christ's sake! By the way, dic*olas W^ng do you really think that drinking alocohol will get you saved? you need to repent right now brother. as for the rest of you, and I told demos this too. In our church we don't even need to know people like AST to marry them, so as far as the "sad geek" thing goes I happen to get all the HOTTIES I want. you sinners need Jesus Bad.
The Church of Jesus Christ of Even More Latter Day Saints

captain_howdy_girl said...

great blog, very funny.

Dickolas Wang said...

That wasn't booze, that was chocolate milk.

Another Bystander in a World of Dementia said...

man.. does this blog attract all kinds of people?

there's the anonymous people who want to shoot and kill AST and pretty much everybody in their sad,sad lives.

then, there was Ned Flanders.

then there was the time of the
"Revenge of the Star Wars nerds"

and the always present people
who want that little something with AST.

then there's the people like me who browse the web cause' I have nothing better else to do with my life.


When it comes to it.
You just have to ask yourself one question each and every time you are about to post a comment on someone else's blog.

"Who the Fuck are You?"

Elohimus Maximus said...

ahhhh another: don't worry about it AST I'll take it from here. I am a Prophet of the lord, and I call upon my Prophetizing powers to send "another bystander in a world of dementia" straight to level 13 outerdarkness at the time of his passing with no chance of redemption.
God 1
sinners 0
TCOJCOEMLDS

Another Bystander in a World of Dementia said...

Don't kid yourself.

(or anybody for that matter.)



the Pope isnt listening.




Normal People: 1



Wanna be John the Baptist: 0

Elohimus Maximus said...

hehe, I got a response.
God 1
sinners 0
TCOJCOEMLDS

Danica said...

I just think that you have real cool postings. Look forward to reading more of 'em. Check mine too!

Another Bystander in a World of Dementia said...

nah...think nothing of it Flanders...

I was just responding to your sad attempt at a comeback.

cheerio.

Elohimus Maximus said...

hehe
God 1
sinners 0
TCOJCOEMLDS

CraigS said...

This hasn't come out in Oz yet, but I have high expectations of anything involving Johnny Depp and Tim Burton...

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fartfly said...

I love midget wrestlin ... ha ha ha. the best !