Wednesday, June 08, 2005

The Princess Bride/Saw/Cary Elwes

Why bother reviewing such a timeless classic that deserves nothing but the kindest words to describe it?

Cary Elwes.
What a train wreck.

Cary Elwes was the fine figured, quick-witted gentleman better known as Westley. The true hero, the real prince, the love of every young girl’s life, the envy of every beau of Princess Buttercup, Westley was hot shit.

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I’ll be honest: I’ve probably seen about 4½ movies that Cary has been in, and usually I wasn’t even aware that it was him. Then came Saw.

I heard about Saw ages before it came out, long before it was in film festivals and I was beyond excited about it. I sent everyone to see the wicked trailer with the reverse bear trap that tears that woman’s jaw apart, and the psycho puppet that still laughs nightly in my dreams and I got everyone else equally as pumped about the flick.

For the record, Saw is a good movie.

But what the fuck is with Cary Elwes? He was “Lawrence”, the cheating, paler than a ghost, doctor with the off/on English accent. Baby, honey, sweetie, you let me down. The only “name” in this movie and he turns out to be the worst thing to happen to it.

The plot, the idea, the story… the entire thing is absolutely brilliant (that can apply to both movies), but the core difference between the two movies is that in one Cary Elwes steals my heart, and in the other, Cary Elwes shits all over it with his crappy accent.

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What an insult to an amazing movie.

At various points throughout Saw, we witness some
heart-wrenching screams for help, some bad red eye shadow (he’s tired), and some “I’ll never let go, Jack” titanic moments. And just imagine how his ten dollar acting school skills pay off when he has to saw off his own foot!

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Oh come on, like you didn’t know that was gonna happen.

Ps. I own both of these movies, so I’m not talking too much shit.
Pps. There is a Saw 2 in the making.
Ppps. The soundtrack to Saw is amazing. It’s all done by Charlie Clouser, formerly of Nine Inch Nails.

10 comments:

Demosthenes said...

We're men, we're men in tights.
We roam around the forest looking for fights.
We're men, we're men in tights.
We rob from the rich and give to the poor, that's right!
We may look like sissies, but watch what you say or else we'll put out your lights!
We're men, we're men in tights,
Always on guard defending the people's rights.

[Dance number, chorus line style]
We're men, MANLY men, we're men in tights. Yeah!
We roam around the forest looking for fights.
We're men, we're men in tights.
We rob from the rich and give to the poor, that's right!
We may look like pansies, but don't get us wrong or else we'll put out your lights.
We're men, we're men in tights (TIGHT tights),
Always on guard defending the people's rights.
When you're in a fix just call for the men in tights!
We're butch!


...You know it.

Dave Harty said...

Laaaaa
la la la la la la laaa
la la la la la la...

Alright, I promise you won't go.

Oh no, it's the claw coming at ya!
Oh, you're afraid the claw.

They were both poisoned, I spent the last few years building up an immunity to Iocane powder.

Dickolas Wang said...

INCONCEIVABLE!

Demosthenes said...

Rats of enormous size you say? I don't think they exist...

Demosthenes said...

UNUSUAL! Unusual size. It's been a while.

jason metcalfe said...

Mi nombre es Inigo Montoya... Tu mataste mi padre. Preparate para morir!

jason metcalfe said...

You wouldnt happen to be a man with 6 fingers would you? Oh, its nothing... Its just that a man with 6 fingers killed may father...

S,
He was pale because the DOP wanted to use the practical fluorescent lights... PS: Once you have seen someone lose and limb you can judge how bad his acting was...

Dave Harty said...

I was fairly surprised about Saw. I knew nothing about it while it was in theatres, except that it was getting some pretty bad reviews. I waited and rented it at Blockbuster. I love it! Especially the guy in the razor wire maze, that's fucking sick/awesome. The key to your jaw device is in that not quite dead guy's stomach. I want that puppet so I can send him wheeling around my apartment at night.

Singul Mather said...

I just saw this film 30 minutes ago. Wow , what a perfect example of creativity , within an over underexposed genre. It's like NWA doing a reunion tour , with someone capable of holding down eazy e's mic , and new songs too! Damn saw cut my heart out and made it jump around on the floor. What a cool film!!

your friend Si said...

I was laughing my arse off towards the end of Saw. Cary Elwes was just pathetic.
Great film though.