Saturday, July 09, 2005

Rebound

I will be entirely honest with you: I am reviewing Rebound for one reason and one reason only. Steven Anthony Lawrence. I’m pretty sure this kid has Down’s Syndrome so I should probably stop making fun of how ugly he is but COME ON, look at the little rat. Don’t misunderstand me, I’d bang him if I could.

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So, I was going to take my review of “Kicking and Screaming” and replace the words “soccer” with “basketball” and “Will Ferrell” with “Martin Lawrence” but I thought that would just be too easy. It wasn’t too easy for the makers of these two though, they like the easy road to fame and smack but here at “A Sheltered Town” I like to serve high quality on a pink plate. I’m going to get struck by lightning.


So this one is about some semi-retarded kids who can’t play sports very well for various reasons and afflictions, as well as a coach (Lawrence, obviously) who has a bit of an anger problem, a quirky “I’m black” sense of humour and a big crush on his bootylicious coworker. Does he get the girl? Well gosh, I wouldn’t want to give it away.

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Steve Carr directed this one. Never heard of him? He did Dr. Dolittle 2, Daddy Day Care and… NEXT FRIDAY!? I don’t see the method to his madness. He’s not even black. What kind of street cred’ is that? I’m pretty sure this movie was made simply to counter the fact that there were only about 1½ racial minorities in “Kicking and Screaming”. Steve Carr doesn’t even have a famous Dad to bring the film SOME recognition.

So the kids suck ass at basketball, they’re all weird and act basically like… Middle School kids. Yeah, how totally surreal is that? Lawrence just can’t handle the pressure, he went from big time “College Ball” to small time “Middle Ball” and it really hits him hard. He sure grabs these kids by the nuts though (figuratively speaking, of course), and shows them that if they just believe in themselves, they can do anything. Except be good looking, Steven Anthony Lawrence.

35 comments:

Dickolas Wang said...

That poor kid! Man that's rough.

Demosthenes said...

All I can say is... well, actually, I can't. The child looks like a muskrat. I'm sorry. That's all she wrote, and that's all she ever will.

Dave Harty said...

I said it once and I'll say it again, this is Alfred E. Newman's son.

Anonymous said...

The killer awoke before dawn , he put his boots on then he went to school. There's the kid in the yellow shirt , it always made him think of pissing on the kid , untill he was all yellow. In the guitar case , slung over his shoulder , were arms. Weaopons of calculated , nervous system shutdown. oops he did it again , and again and then he counted 22 , or was it 32. Inside his victims backpacks were the ringing cellphones of the concerned parents. The orange plastic chairs were overturned and mashed potatoes were cooling on the floor nearby. So was the ever flowing blood. It's amazing how wide of an area , a small pool of blood can cover.

At least that little muskrat , will never have to hear those words again. He turned them off , he bought that silence , with a visa , maybe an amex. Parents wont know for another 4 weeks before the bank statement comes in the mail. Oh well , it will all be over by then. No more prom dates , no more lame friday nights. The taste of beer is overrated anyway , who needs it. Now everynight can taste a bit better , because those he slaughtered paved his road to liberty. Set me free , needle in the hay.

It's said that the rate of home grown terrorists will double for the next ten years. Half of almost 0 is still not much , but then neither is 22. Needle in the haaaaaaaaayyyy , needle in the haaaaaay.

Anonymous said...

Alright, a counterweight to the post by the Zodiac killer. Let me preface this rather lengthy diatribe by saying that it's conclusions (if they may be called that) are not mediated by the particularities of the young host's writing but by her peculiarities (the lost art of style). Faint praise? Or a slap in the face? Hardly. Explanation: Everything that I have read of her writing so far has possessed a vibrancy, a freshness and a devil-may-care attitude that is such a rare bird on these blogs. Most are populated by the most mundane somnolent inaneness that I find it hard to believe their authors can find any self-respect after having written and committed to the world at large -- This completely uneconomical expounding on an unconscious self-hatred that manifests in a thoughtless and fatuous flood of graphorrhea. What I find interesting here is her earnest refusal to accept what is being handsomely dished up 'on a pink platter'. This ersatz truth we are being shovelled, that of the proffered bloated carcass of an obsequious and opulent image-machine that lives only to hang us on the sacrificial altar of a penury of true content. The simulacre of a unilateral hegemonic discourse delivered by the means of the soft-imperialism of modern Hollywood. It is time to recognize the face of this depredation that is driving us en masse into the morass of a derivative contemporary culture that is truly leading us down the garden path. Mediocrity is the norm. This is no revelation to anyone here. But it is entirely refreshing to find someone who is not prepared to shy away from the more unfashionable jobs of muck-racking and exposures. She expresses her revulsion brought about by the decadent moral fibre of a bourgeois society so enamoured with itself that it's most popular and accepted means of reproduction is Incest. And she does so with a most wonderfully ribald sense of humour while dancing around taboo issues and her words are steeped in an energizing liberating nihilism. She has a deft touch for the incendiary comment that invariably elicits much animosity in many of her more thin-skinned readers. It can be hilarious to read the comments of pure hatred directed towards her in the most prosaic and uneducated manner, much of which is written by those obviously dumbstruck by her aesthetic endowments as much as for her brutal honesty in dealing with PC mundanity. I would call the acuity of this woman's perceptions precocious but she is quite obviously all grown up. I never thought or wrote with such surety and maturity at that age. Never given to being inebriated with her own verbosity (unlike this hack) she carries on her task of demolishing the underpinnings of a homogenizing social darwinism that is threatening to leave our social milieu blighted with the presence of a handful of Will Ferrell and Nicole Kidman clones and little weasel/rat-boys like Steven Anthony Lawrence as our only cultural icons, in this the nadir of our western civilization. We need to excise the cancerous polyp on the anus of humanity. This reign of stupidity and apathy that inhabits a growing percentage of the minds of young people stunned to silence by the 'beauty' of a polymorphous facade stretched over an unchanging edifice of weak-kneed solipsism. Young woman, please never 'get hit by lightening' we like you as weighty as you are. 'We here at A Sheltered Town' promise to think, because it ain't illegal, yet.

"Mind over matter, mouth into motion, can't deny it, 'cause I've never been quiet, let's start this." P.E.

Dave Harty said...

Reject False Icons

Anonymous said...

Jesus, somebody get the anonymous guy a towel.

-Captain Moody

Anonymous said...

'graphorrhea simulacre hegemonic?'
what the hell is that? this is a blog not the economist! I dont want to have to sit here with a dictionary to understand your shit. take your ivy league ass back to some polisci chatroom and leave us people without degrees to feel like we still have a chance to be somebody. and by the way how does somebody like you know about public enemy? I need a drink.

Demosthenes said...

This post has spawned some really irrelevant posts, it's a nice change. I must say, kudos to anonymous for that lengthy dialogue, though it was perhaps a little TOO lengthy.

Anonymous said...

My hostile brother;
A note for you once you float back to the surface of your bottle of JD:
"and by the way how does somebody like you know about public enemy?"
- My girlfriend used to cut Terminator X's hair. See the cover of Apocalypse.
"take your ivy league ass back to some polisci chatroom" - sorry, University of Life, School of Hard Knocks. Surprise. Self-education can be a wondrous thing. Try picking up a book sometime. There is a place in your hometown (or shire as the case may be) called a Library, where they store these compact worded paper holders known as books. I know it is a little antiquated for someone born with a USB attachment in their Cerebral Cortex but it would be a good start for those seeking an education of any sort. Respect due.
(K)nowledge (R)eigns (S)upreme
(O)ver (N)early (E)veryone.
"You are now about to witness the strength of street knowledge" NWA

Captain Moody said...

Knowledge ranks near the bottom of the barrel when it comes to any sort of hierarchy of living. Anyone possessing even the most primal specks of knowledge would know that. Anybody who claims to know otherwise doesn't know shit.

-Captain Moody

A Sheltered Town said...

Let's all just keep it in our pants, please and thanks.

Captain Moody said...

And how, dearest, would it be of benefit to put knowledge in our pants?

-Captain Moody

Anonymous said...

Hierarchy? Uh oh, I hear echoes of 33 in these songs tinted in blue Moods...
Go to sleep, you fascist insect. Rake in the dough. Make it with high society (we love it when you crawl on your stomach in front of your queen). Have a quick death: we promise you a first-class funeral.
p.s. you're right, I don't know shit. I don't share your scatological obsessions.
Truly though,I like you Moody, you've got grit. Love.

Anonymous said...

May I say that knowledge is never primal. It is acquired. The primal is known as instinct. But you intuited that already didn't you Captain Moody?

Anonymous said...

Somethin tells me that it is preferred to keep your comments directed at the originator of this site. She seems to chime in when the topic shifts to other areas....

Demosthenes said...

I got your back, Moods.

Dear Anonymous,

A word of note: Before you dive into a lake, always make sure and check how shallow it is, otherwise it will break your neck. Some say that hiding behind an anonymous title indicates a coward, but I beg to differ. In your case, you're probably just too uneducated to write your own blog and think a non-hyperlinked name would look stupid. You're right about that. In response to this comment, you very well might start using your own name, just to prove me wrong. That's great, actually, because then I could continue grilling your philosophical-wanna-be anonymity on your own blog rather than cluttering this one. Now, you could also continue to be anonymous and rip lame insults at me from the sidelines. That's cool too. Of course, we would all understand if you gave in after this extensive blast of intellect. That being said, go ahead and insult my knowledge, or the books I read, but don't ever try to tell me I don't have any, even in the form of quotes. Speaking of quotes, I've always felt that they are for people who have nothing worthwhile to say themselves... thanks for proving that theory correct. Anyway, it's also ironic you would mention a cortex USB cord, obviously thinking it would fly over my head. In fact, I DESIGNED a neural interface that uses electrodes implanted in the motor and somesthetic cortexes which in turn sense when the brain attempts to send movement signals to given parts of the body. I did so completely on self-knowledge and resource, and at an age where you were probably still breast feeding. Look at my profile. I never answered the "favorite books" or "favorite authors" section because there would be too many to write down. I've even gotten so bored with reading the work of others that I'm now writing my own stuff. I could go on and on and sound like a complete jerk, but I'm not really. You've just made the mistake of trying to pick a verbal fight and I've got to defend myself. I would never be this ignorantly arrogant if you didn’t force me to be. Of course, to all of this you could come back saying that I have no life, but the neural interface plan took up all of an hour of my time on a rainy day, the only time when I can’t be out running, working, writing, boating and all of the other things I use to cheerfully live my life.

Cheers

Anonymous said...

demosthenes;
firstly, let me say that you obviously misunderstood who the remarks were directed towards that you took such grave offense with. They were not directed at you. Nor was the USB crack even directed at the Captain. You should read in context.
secondly, the philosopher wannabe crack? Well, let's just say that I am quite happy to contest any point you wish to bring to my attention, my dear Stuttering Greek. Speak to me of literature and I will give you an earful. I speak in a variety of tongues but we will stick to English as I don't wish to make yours wag too fitfully, I am kind to the handicapped. So, Ne soyez pas un vaincu. (Sorry, just the once.)
thirdly, I have worked for Kurzweil developing keyboard algorithms so you are certainly not going over my head if you wish to spice it up with technical jargon.
fourthly, and most importantly, everything I have said here has been entirely in good humour, at least it was intended as such. I don't end with sending my Love as an ironic barb. We are just having some good natured fun. I guess the cat's out of the bag there. Perhaps you are not used to sparring. Either you lack the mental stamina or you are simply one of the thin-skinned individuals that I so 'rudely' called out. Again, smiles.

As for my own blog, well, I simply do not think blogging is for me, partner. In fact, a woman friend of mine has asked me not to do it, so to be respectful, I decline the invitation. Not that I am not tempted. I will however visit your blog if so invited where we can have a genteel little cup of tea for two and hopefully start a few heated arguments while waiting for the strumpets to arrive (sorry, scratch that: crumpets). It is fun to engage in debate, no?

All the best, and still anon. (C'mon now you didn't think I was going to give you my real name did you 'demos'?)

p.s. If you would like to know what my credentials are, you can check out the song,"No More Time" from the album Time Capsule. circa 1996, and trust me, I wasn't in diapers at the time (although I still hadn't given up my love of breast-feeding.) Bisous.

Daddy said...

So let's recap. Here we have "Anonymous", who wishes to remain, well, anonymous, and has a rather impressive vocabulary. "Anonymous" embarks on a lengthy ode to our hot hostess, which I admit is an impressive one, despite its lack of originality in the approach i.e. "Really baby, I like your mind, not your hot ass!"

Nonetheless, I do admire his writing style and I think much of his description of AST is quite accurate. However, I must tell you Anonymous, that at times your writing is over the top. It feels like you're flexing your verbal muscles in a manner reminiscent of my 45 yearold mid-life crisis neighbour who just spent $300,000 on a Ferrari so that he can rev the engine loudly and remind all his neighbours how rich he is. In other words, it almost reaks of desperation. I'm not trying to be insulting, but let us just be honest for a minute: you know when you're showing off your intellect. Hey, I understand. I've done it on occasion; as long as you realize that it will result in a backlash from your verbally inferior competition on this blog who are also vying for AST's approval. So, Enter Demosthenes, who is no verbal slouch himself, swinging his intellectual cock as if to say "Hold it right there Anonymous! Who do you think you are coming onto my turf and dropping words like graphorrhea and obsequious? And to make matters worse, you're anonymous! FUCK THAT!"

I have to admit, that I find it comical that this blog attracts a group of male fans that fancy themselves an enlightened bunch, yet they always descend into a classic machismo dick-swinging contest. The only difference is that the criteria for king of the hill here is a combination of wit and verbal prowess.

Gentlemen, take a deep breath. Relax, you're both fucking brilliant, we got it. Besides, I hate to break it to you all, but AST prefers shallow, vapid men such as me anyways.

Anonymous said...

daddy;

brilliant! (though you would never admit it as it may hinder your chances with AST). Touche and Riposte.
still anon.

Demosthenes said...

Bravo, gentlemen, bravo. I think we've managed to make everyone else reading this blog roll their eyes quite thoroughly and vow never to come here again if it means listening to our rabble. Mission complete.

And, anonymous, I understand that this sparring is just that... I suppose I may have entered it a little too vehemently. Anytime you want to have a french off, though, I'm down, savoir sacrément bien.

Captain Moody said...

Did that just happen? Icky.

Joe Important said...

Some other goofy-looking, blondes in the "tween/buddy/misfits overcome adversity" genre include:

Quinn Smith as Timmy Lupus in "The Bad News Bears"

-and-

Jonathan Brandis as Matthew/Martha in "Ladybugs."

Anonymous said...

R.I.P. - Jonathan Brandis

A Sheltered Town said...

I can't believe that kid decided to off himself. I've still got his picture above my bed.

Anonymous said...

Wow! Now I have your picture above my bed.

Anonymous said...

I should have added that I have a thing for Necrophilia. Is that a big enough word to impress you?

;-) from Austin, Texas.

A Sheltered Town said...

It's somewhat unrelated but yes, that is big enough to impress me.

Anonymous said...

Good, meet you at the concert.
--Freddie.

jedith said...

You are one mean and atheist person!!

Anonymous said...

You have come over to the dark side young Jedith! Words of Advice: Let her crash and burn, she'll learn, the attention just encourages her. And know that it's just the way the medication makes her.

Dave Harty said...

Hey Shelby, I just saw a great movie you should review. It's a Japanese film (not Anime - live action) called Battle Royale. See it, it's cool.

Dave Harty said...

Sorry, here's an IMDB link.

G-Man said...

bump.

(33 comments is not nearly enough.)

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