Undiscovered

Although no one seems to know it, Ashlee Simpson has a movie out RIGHT NOW! The movie is called Undiscovered and apparently it’s living up to the title. I have spoken to no more than 3 people who have actually heard of this movie’s release and none of them had seen any ads or trailers. I only knew about it because all I do at work is read Hollywood Gossip and write blog entries.



I decided to see this movie for two reasons: It was free and I knew it would be a great blog topic. Seeing as I know some people in the movie biz (a friend of mine works at a movie theatre), I get the chance to see free movies… Movies I would normally never pay to see. I read a brief synopsis, something about an aspiring actress and an aspiring rock star but other than that, the only thing I knew was that Ashlee Simpson was in it and she sings.

Believe it or not, this review is not heavily based on trashing Ashlee. I am not a fan of hers and she definitely blows in this movie but come on, that’s way too easy.



The movie opened on Friday, Aug. 26 and my friend and I went to see it on Sunday, Aug. 28… Still opening weekend. We were the only two people in the theatre. This movie was entirely unheard of, I’m not sure if they did ANY marketing what so ever. 30 minutes in, my good friend turns to me and says,

“You know… this movie was free, so if you want to leave, it’s ok with me”

I laughed and told her, “No way, we’re in this for the long haul.” Another 20 minutes and she started walking around the theatre, sitting in various seats, just killing time until I finally gave in. I couldn’t bear to see the aspiring actress and aspiring rock star fight and get back together again, so I gave in and said let’s go.

Possibly the shittiest movie I’ve seen. It had the usual North American Romantic Comedy formula that I revealed to the world in a previous post and I just couldn’t stand to watch it again. I managed to find a trailer for the flick yesterday and I was quite relieved that I didn’t stay, as it appears that there is an “airport” scene that involves the rock star running after the actress so that she doesn’t get on a plane to go back to New York. And then it flashes to a scene of me slitting my own wrists and jumping off a bridge with a noose around my neck. Great ending though.

In short, I don’t recommend this movie. If you haven’t heard of it, I’m sorry for making you aware. If this review, or the movie in general makes you curious about it, tempted to go see it, just watch the trailer. The trailer is the movie in a nutshell, which is all it needed to be in. It tells you scene by scene what happens and how it ends in a minute or two, not the hour I spent.

I suppose I’m not the only one who feels this way:



Well, better luck next time, Ashlee. I’m probably the best PR you had for this film.

Ps. I know I said I would write about something I enjoyed but there are too many bad movies to ignore. Next will also be a negative one, maybe the week after?
Pps. Movies I saw this week: The entire first season of Six Feet Under, Casper, Whale Rider, Million Dollar Baby, Undiscovered.
Ppps. You simply MUST go see this blog and you simply MUST leave a comment. This is one of the few blog plugs I will do and only because it’s one of the best blogs I’ve ever read. Absolutely amazing!

Herbie: Fully Loaded

I usually update around Wednesday or Thursday, and seeing as I don’t plan to see a movie until tomorrow, I really didn’t have much out of the ordinary to talk about. A few people have been asking me to review something that I actually enjoyed, but I’ll leave that for next week or the week after. Right now, it’s time for Herbie: Fully Loaded.

This movie has a lot of potential to a Volkswagen lover like myself. I absolutely adore Volkswagens. All Volkswagens (except the new 2006 Jettas) are beautiful pieces of machinery. No, that’s not right, a Volkswagen is not simply equipment, it is a work of art. I vowed that I would grit my teeth and see this movie, even though I can’t stand Lindsay Lohan (we’ll get to that), simply because it features my absolute favourite vehicles in the world. Let’s have a dreamy sigh and look at a sexy photo of a VW:



This movie is such a shame. What’s with Hollywood rehashing old TV shows and movies? Dukes of Hazzard (I do love Johnny Knoxville), Bewitched (I do hate Will Ferrell), I Dream of Jeannie, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, The Bad News Bears… It’s quite the fad and I will say that only Chuck and The Chocolate Factory is worth a view. I saw Chuck again, recently, and I have to confirm that the fuckin’ Oompa Loompas ruined the whole goddamn movie.

Now, back to Herb.

Lindsay Lohan gets an old, rusty, nasty (actually pretty cute) looking Herbie as a graduation present, a fixer upper if you will. She gets her friend (take a wild guess, will this “friendship” turn to romance?!) to restore Herbie and… he races in the Daytona 500. Alright, so I cut a few points out of the plot but who really cares? Let’s start bashing Lindsay Lohan.

I saw Parent Trap (the Lindsay version) and it wasn’t half bad for a remake. It made me try Oreos dipped in peanut butter and I must say, although I haven’t had them since the first time I tried them, they weren’t half bad. Go try it. Lindsay has really gone down hill though, and it hasn’t been a graceful fall. In my humble opinion, and it is humble, Lindsay Lohan is the most disgusting celebrity out there. This doesn’t include the obvious choices like Carrot Top, but of the big stars, she’s the nastiest. She is 19 years old but she looks like she’s 47. First of all, she’s a red head. Red heads are fucking nuts. Second of all, she is COVERED in freckles, and I find this to be an absolutely revolting look for her. Third of all, her fluctuating weight and breast size is well, a bit much… She claims that she went through puberty. I guess that’s what they’re calling crack cocaine these days.

When Lindsay is done up for a photo shoot with her freckles airbrushed out and her gaping mouth finally closed, she can look quite presentable but the real Lindsay Ho-han looks much different. Hey, “I’m sure she’s a better person than me” but I don’t really give a fuck.




Ok, I’ll say something nice: Mean Girls was a good movie and worth a watch. I wouldn’t see Herbie though, it sucks balls, just go look at VWs on Google Images. Oh, and don’t give me shit about it’s “Target Audience”, I don’t care if it was made for 8 year olds, a shitty movie is a shitty movie.

Ps. Next week: Something I like!
Pps. Movies I saw this week: Valiant.
Ppps. Click on that link of Carrot Top. Trust me.
Pppps. FIONA APPLE IS FREE! Go buy her album in stores Oct 4. Sign up for her newsletter and visit her site to see videos and listen to music. This is going to be an amazing album, keep your knickers on.

Ben Stiller

Anyone who knows anything about me knows about my extreme and undying hatred towards Ben Stiller. Yes, I’ve seen “Zoolander” and yes, I still hate him. Not only do I hate his looks, his personality, his writing, his directing, his producing, his wife, his clothes, his Jewishness but I also hate his friends.

Owen Wilson, Vince Vaughn, Will Ferrell, Christine Taylor, Rip Torn, Jack Black, and Vince fucking Vaughn. I know, I said him twice.

Ok, saying I hate Jack Black is a bit too far but I stand by my word on the others. I can’t stand them and the fact that they are in every single Ben Stiller “Comedy” ever shat out. I was watching Raising Arizona the other night and thinking to myself, “Wow, since the beginning, these guys (The Coen Brothers) have always stuck with the same core cast for the majority of their movies: Frances McDormand, John Goodman, John Turturro, Holly Hunter and so on. I love the Coen brothers and their films. So does this make me a hypocrite for hating Ben Stiller for the same reasons I love the Coens? No, because the Coen brothers don’t crap out one shitty film after another, month by month, with the same general plot line.



I don’t understand why Ben Stiller always writes himself, or is written as the “Good Looking Guy”. I know it was a joke in Zoolander, but all the others? The guy is one of the worst looking men in Hollywood. I’d rather sleep with Steven Anthony Lawrence than be in the same room with Ben (Call me, Steve!). In Dodgeball (which I was forced to see) he was the super-fit and super handsome gym owner that had to peel the ladies off. In Zoolander he finds it tough to be “this good looking.” Why is no one pointing this out? Why is no one making note of the oddly shaped head that this man possesses? I think it’s time.



Something About Mary was the first big screen success that Ben had. No, I’m not counting “The Cable Guy” as a big screen success. Since I’m not a fan of SNL and I never saw “The Ben Stiller Show” (and I'm counting my lucky stars), I wasn’t really exposed to Big Ben until 1998 at the young and impressionable age of 16. Sure, the cum jokes, the dick caught in the zipper, the retarded kids, and the old woman’s leather breasts all gave me a good chuckle but I’m pretty sure it ended after Ben started releasing 25 “productions” in the span of 5 years. God man, take a break, for my sake.

And Will Ferrell really pisses me off too. I’ve gotta throw that in there, because I know he’s well loved. Wait… Maybe if SNL would stop discarding their cast into Hollywood, I wouldn’t have to be such a miserable bitch.

Too late.

Ps. I’m also writing a guest post for another blog, but I’ve been sworn to secrecy because he hates everyone who comments here and doesn’t want them on his blog. If you can find my guest post (should be up by Sunday), you get a cookie (or a photo of one I found on google images.)
Pps. Today is my half-birthday.
Ppps. Movies I saw this week: The Labyrinth, Raising Arizona and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (again).
Pppps. Fiona Apple is FREE! Thank you to anyone who paid attention to the issue or visited the Free Fiona site. Success has been had.

Adaptation.

Yeah, there’s a period on the end of “Adaptation.” Why? Because it’s quirky.



I’ve never in my life wanted to see LESS of Nicolas Cage yet I was faced with DOUBLE. Not even the thin, semi-good-looking-because-he-has-a-really-famous-family-and-a-lot-of-money Nicolas Cage, no, a fat and balding Cage x 2.



I haven’t seen this movie in about 3 years and so it’s not exactly fresh in my mind. Maybe if it wasn’t such a piece of shit the first time around, I would have rented it again to make this review a little more movie-related and not just about how much I hate fat and nasty Nick. Speaking of how much I hate Nick Cage, let’s talk about the director of my favourite movie of all time directing likely one of the most typical, predictable, and politically correct movies in the history of typical, predictable and politically correct movies. That’s right, friends, Oliver Stone is going to direct a movie about September 11th (yawn) starring none other than the love of my life, Nicolas Cage as a…

Can you guess?

Yeah, I said Firefighter too.

Nope! Police officer. He’ll star alongside a Mexican guy, for a little spice and PC. I bet he’ll make “off colour” remarks about how addicted to coke he is every 15 minutes and Nick Cage will respond with that signature half a smile he does followed by his “serious-cool” face.



Oh yeah, Adaptation.

The twins will be referred to as B1 and B2 because Bananas In Pajamas is one of my absolute favourite shows.



So, Nicolas Cage plays a set of twins who are both aspiring screen writers. B1, I think the thinner of the two, is having better luck since he’s writing mindless action and romantic comedies, but B2 strives for the intellectual mumbo jumbo and fails miserably. I’m pretty sure this is a direct representation of Nick Cage’s attempts at gathering some sort of cult audience with films like 8mm. So then the movie continues and I don’t really remember what happens.

Fast forward to Meryl Streep smoking fertilizer and fucking this really nasty guy with no teeth. They both have a strange obsession with orchids… the flower. No really, this is what it's about I think Meryl (that’s a real pretty name) wrote a book about orchids and No-Teeth is an orchid thief. Fuck, it didn’t make sense to me either.

Now, since everything up to this point is superb writing, let's top it off with a fine ending and if you don't like spoilers, read this and bypass the movie. So... No-Teeth get's eaten by a crocodile.

No, seriously, he does. End scene.

A lot of people have told me that I "just don't get it, man" and that maybe I'll "understand when I'm older" or that if I had ever suffered from writer's block, I'd totally feel Nicolas Cage's pain. Or maybe it's just a shitty movie about fat twins who like flowers and crocodiles.

Yep. I think that's it.

Ps. Movies I've seen this week that are better than Adaptation. - Maria Full of Grace, Apocolypse Now, Hero, A Very Long Engagement, 10 minutes of Hide and Seek, 30 minutes of Coffee and Cigarettes, A Bug's Life.
Pps. Feel free to give movie suggestions for reviewing, I'm feeling uninspired.

Man Bites Dog

A long time coming:



Man Bites Dog has been suggested to me a few times now and, with the offer of a free copy of it, to my doorstep in about a week, I couldn’t say no. Knowing my incredible fondness and interest in all things morose (particularly serial killers and bloodlust (relax)), a lot of people who recommended the movie felt it was right on the money. Even though I hate the French, people were still adamant that I’d love this one. Now, usually when people claim I’ll love something, I hate it by default but this, this my friends, is a different story.

This movie is pure genius and it ranks right next to (slightly above or below, I can’t decide) American Psycho. The opening scene (after the train murder) is fan-fucking-tastic and it even relates to a hot topic we’ve all been discussing lately: Midgets.

Leaning over a corpse wrapped in a sheet, our main character Ben, enlightens us on the technicalities of sinking a dead body, “…You may not be aware that a corpse under water swells up with air, see? So it tends to float to the surface… There’s a ballast ratio for corpses: 3 times body weight for an average adult, like this victim, but for children and midgets it’s different. Kids are lighter so it’s 4 times body weight. Midgets are heavier, so you double the weight. Midgets have denser bones… For old people multiply by five. Old bones are porous.”

The movie is filmed as a fake documentary (mockumentary) about Ben, a serial killer who is more than happy to tell all about his profession. The movie is similar to American Psycho in the way that it takes the topic of murder and death rather lightly and the jokes, probably offensive, just roll off the tongue naturally and freely. It’s also similar to This is Spinal Tap, not just because it’s a mockumentary, but because of the curse of the soundman/drummer and the partly non-chalant reaction of the crew/band to the inevitable doom of their members.

The movie was basically made by three film school buddies on a shoe string budget and therefore, it doesn’t have the look of a major Hollywood picture. The film’s directors work around this by making the movie about guys with no cash, giving it an excuse to lack frills and gimmicks. It’s filmed with black and white, in French with English subtitles… Don’t let that stop you! Let it encourage you to broaden your horizons and all that shit.

More quotes, because Ben’s philosophizing gets me off:



“Take the train station murder. The restroom murder. Who got the headlines? Who? The Dental Mechanic! And the toilet attendant didn’t even get a single line! Little guys don’t make waves. If you kill a whale, you get Greenpeace and Jacques Cousteau on your back! But wipe out sardines and you get a canning subsidy. I go for the small fry.”

And this one is my absolute favourite (because I find racism utterly hilarious!). After shooting a night watchman:

“Those bastards! A black night watchman! What a dirty trick. So you can’t see him! Who would ever sink so low? I bet he grew up under the baobabs and here he is on a work site. Makes me sick. They try to get away with murder… Let’s go sink this Mubutu. A handsome fella’ to boot. But I’m warning you, I won’t touch him.”
“Why not?”
“AIDS, Remy… AIDS. Green Monkeys. Grab him by the galoshes, but I won’t touch him…”

Remy drags the guard away

“Here’s our golden opportunity. To see if that legend about their size is true. Remy! Pull his pants down. We’ll know in a jiffy! …Good lord. He’s really well hung. You can wrap it up now, it’s disgusting! The kid is barely 18 and already hung like a polar bear.”



This movie is so ironic, it’s beautiful. Now I have to thank Eponymous for sending it my way and not taking the opportunity to kill me with anthrax, as I’m sure it was tempting.

Ps. Obviously I have a dark sense of humour. If you enjoyed American Psycho, it’s a safe bet you’ll like this one.
Pps. I was disappointed with the ending. Probably because I developed a big crush on Ben.

Tara Reid

I planned to review “Man Bites Dog” but I was sitting at work reading Hollywood Gossip when it dawned on me:

Tara Reid is disgusting.

What on earth happened to her? Not that she was ever particularly appealing (in my humble opinion) but it seems that in the last few years, she’s really gone down hill. Let’s start with her current achievements in the movie world:

Wait a minute. Has she ever done a movie other than The Big Lebowski that is even worth mentioning? Van Wilder? Just Visiting? My Boss’ Daughter? Alone in the Dark? Ahem. No.

She is known for her minimal role as a complete slut/psycho/gold digger in The Big Lebowski, her role as a complete slut/psycho in American Pie and last but not least her role as a blonde ditz in Josie and the Pussycats. I think we’ve summed up Tara Reid’s personality.

Now that we’ve torn that apart, let’s pull apart her appearance:

I found this photo about a year ago and have kept it stashed in my “Misc. Pics” file for a special occasion. It is finally time to unveil it to the world. Perhaps I’m exaggerating or blowing this out of proportion but I honestly felt a little bit embarrassed for woman-kind:


That’s a nice outfit, hun.

Since that photo, many have been circulating around the Internet about Tara’s rather deep delve into the world of plastic surgery. Maybe she’s cheap or just doesn’t know where to go, but she’s had a few unfortunate results as result of going under the knife. She’s clearly had possibly the worst tit job in the history of bad tit jobs. She also got approximately thirty thousand pounds of fat sucked out of her stomach. It’s people like me that made Tara Reid anorexic back in 2001. Sorry, I’m glad you got your healthy self-image back, girl.




What’s worse is that people actually find this woman to be attractive. I’ve talked to many men who drool at the mention of her and she was voted 49th sexiest woman in the world according to Stuff Magazine (2002). Not to mention the fact that she sounds like a man, not even a feminine man, a lumberjack.

This is my disclaimer: I know that this may or may not bring on an onslaught of slanderous comments, defacing my personality and looks but I’ve started to get used to it. In fact, it’s kind of growing on me. I know that, in the words of my good friend Rick, “she’s probably a better person than I am” and I have no right to judge others and yadda yadda yadda. Apparently getting ripped apart comes with the territory of acting and blogging. Don’t rip me apart for ripping Tara apart. Let’s just love one another.

"Once you get to know me, you would know in a second that I am an East Coast girl. You can tell because I'm not flaky, and I will tell you how it is. I also walk faster than they walk in L.A."

Hey, at least she’s an intellectual.

Ps. Man Bites Dog is next so GO RENT IT.
Pps. The plastic surgery photos are courtesy of Awful Plastic Surgery.
Pps. Who actually clicked on the midget porn link? It's ok to admit it. I'm not going to judge you. You sick fucks.

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

So I have been asked countless times (3) to review new movies, the ones still fresh in theatres. I saw a shitload (5) this week, so here’s what you asked for.



I’m not the type to bash things just because everyone else loves them (I am) and so, believe it or not, I’m not going to say unkind things about this film. It was well done, as most people predicted. Johnny Depp was magical, the graphics were impeccable, the laughs, the tears… all genuine. It was surprisingly not a huge insult to the original movie or the book. I think it did them proud.

Shall I quote myself? “But Shelby, you can’t possibly like EVERYTHING about a movie! You’re too much of a critical bitch for that.”

Well you’d be right again.

I saw an interview with Johnny Depp about the making of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and the interviewee pointed out their choice to stay away from Digital Imaging. A wise choice, since it always looks fake (I’ve seen Lord of the Rings). For example, they trained REAL squirrels to crack nuts all day. Quite the task. So… if they can get 70 squirrels, why didn’t they get…

I never thought it was possible to strip midgets of their god-given hilarity. Yet this movie managed to do that very thing. Instead of hiring 30 midgets, they hired 1. I think that’s an insult to midget-kind. They hired one midget and digitally imaged him to be 100 or so. You’ll train 70 squirrels but not hire a couple midgets to make the whole thing a bit more realistic?

This brings up a sore subject for many little folk. Don’t the people in show business realize how many midgets are in dire need of jobs? So many are drawn to the cruel world of Midget Porn (click that if you’re of age and not at work, please) just to feed their undersized bellies. Millions (probably) are trying to break out of midget porn and midget wrestling and into a role where they can truly be respected despite their stature. What better role than the one of an Oompa Loompa?



Protest this movie in honour of midgets everywhere.

Steven Anthony Lawrence

Not that I have the intention of beating a dead horse, as they say, but a special day has come upon us. Some cheer me on and some beg me to stop and give the poor rat a break. Well I will do neither. I will not be rude and I will not be loving, I will simply express my true feelings on this special day.

Happy Birthday, Steven Anthony Lawrence.



From the moment I saw Steven Anthony Lawrence, my heart stopped. I had never felt feelings like the ones that rushed through my body (specifically groin) on that dark cold night that I spent in Famous Players Colossus Langley. The movie didn’t leave a lasting impression, Will Ferrell didn’t leave a lasting impression, The hot Italian boys sort of did, but nothing like the way Steven Anthony Lawrence moved me.



This is basically a thank you for coming, so unexpectedly, into my life. You’re still jailbait, but look me up anyway, kid.

Ps. Either Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Wedding Crashers or March of the Penguins is next.
Pps. I haven't even seen the movie Rebound.

Rebound

I will be entirely honest with you: I am reviewing Rebound for one reason and one reason only. Steven Anthony Lawrence. I’m pretty sure this kid has Down’s Syndrome so I should probably stop making fun of how ugly he is but COME ON, look at the little rat. Don’t misunderstand me, I’d bang him if I could.



So, I was going to take my review of “Kicking and Screaming” and replace the words “soccer” with “basketball” and “Will Ferrell” with “Martin Lawrence” but I thought that would just be too easy. It wasn’t too easy for the makers of these two though, they like the easy road to fame and smack but here at “A Sheltered Town” I like to serve high quality on a pink plate. I’m going to get struck by lightning.


So this one is about some semi-retarded kids who can’t play sports very well for various reasons and afflictions, as well as a coach (Lawrence, obviously) who has a bit of an anger problem, a quirky “I’m black” sense of humour and a big crush on his bootylicious coworker. Does he get the girl? Well gosh, I wouldn’t want to give it away.



Steve Carr directed this one. Never heard of him? He did Dr. Dolittle 2, Daddy Day Care and… NEXT FRIDAY!? I don’t see the method to his madness. He’s not even black. What kind of street cred’ is that? I’m pretty sure this movie was made simply to counter the fact that there were only about 1½ racial minorities in “Kicking and Screaming”. Steve Carr doesn’t even have a famous Dad to bring the film SOME recognition.

So the kids suck ass at basketball, they’re all weird and act basically like… Middle School kids. Yeah, how totally surreal is that? Lawrence just can’t handle the pressure, he went from big time “College Ball” to small time “Middle Ball” and it really hits him hard. He sure grabs these kids by the nuts though (figuratively speaking, of course), and shows them that if they just believe in themselves, they can do anything. Except be good looking, Steven Anthony Lawrence.

Maddox on Blogging

Holy shit. I actually beat Maddox to something! Oh well, he still kicks my ass at it. Go read his new article on blogging.

Garden State

Zach Braff. What a fabulous Jew.



To start off, I like this movie. I can’t stand Natalie Portman’s “I’m so naïve, stupid, quirky and cute” attitude but I managed to get past it and actually enjoy this one.



Zach Braff made this movie what it is. Figuratively and literally. If I believed in spirits and souls, I would say he put it all into this gem. Like Johnny Depp has been praised for his on screen presence, his ability to act without saying a word, I think the same can be said for Braff here. He certainly has the power to express a lot of emotion, or complete lack of it, through simple facial expressions, and for that, I commend him.

I even checked out an episode of Scrubs just because Garden State was so damn good (way to rope me in, big guy). He saves that show too, oh, and the fact that I have a crush on that black guy from clueless.

So anyway, the writing, the soundtrack, the acting, the directing, the cinematography, the humour, the drama, the characters, the use of Method Man, etc were all great.

But Shelby, you can’t possibly like EVERYTHING about a movie! You’re too much of a critical bitch for that.

You’re right. I didn’t like the fact that I had to see Peter Sarsgaard’s furry wang in Kinsey. I also couldn't stand that they had to imply that gay anal sex ensued soon after said furry wang shot. Not that Kinsey was a bad movie, but it gave me nightmares. (Sarsgaard is Mark in Garden State).



All in all, it’s a good movie worth a view or two. I hope Zach Braff is no one hit wonder because that little jew knows how to push the right buttons. He's also a blogger himself, who would have thought? He's got some skills and gets more comments than I do. Wow. Imagine that.

Blogging

So this is the one month post. This particular blog has been around for, you guessed it, one full month today. A month ago, I was chatting with Dickolas Wang and predicting the lasting-time that the blog would have. He gave it 3 weeks, I gave it 2. Looks like we’re both losers.

Anyway. I took requests for the big one month-er and they all either sucked shit or were nowhere to be found. I was planning on doing Super Troopers (since everyone seems to love that shitfest), but it was already rented out (likely to one of you) and so I was left to rent GOOD movies, which are no fun to read about. Alas, my genius led me towards the inevitable topic of “Blogging”.



I’ve never been a blog supporter. I generally refuse to read people’s blogs, mainly because I don’t give a shit about their day but also because it’s mundane and over done. Being nagged and nagged continuously by various different folks, I decided to finally give in and start up my own. Facing ridicule and mocked by many, I tried to redeem my turn to the dark side (Star Wars is gay), by actually writing something somewhat entertaining to read.

Other than the constant jabs at my looks, opinions, style, comments, commentary, writing, etc etc etc, the blogging experience hasn’t been too bad. I suffered through a 45-comment frenzy from people who wanted to kill me vs. people who wanted to fuck me and somehow made it out alive.



My general opinion on blogging and bloggers is that I hate it/them. Unless they’ve got a lot of style, reading about teenage angst, your uninformed political drivel, or the various reasons why I should finally take that leap towards Christianity, just doesn’t appeal to me.

There are a select few blogs I enjoy reading, and those people are extremely lucky. I said hell would freeze over before I became a blogger, but I’ve changed it to, Hell will freeze over before I talk about how my day went on my blog. You can all thank (or send the hate mail to) my pal, who likely wants to remain nameless because he’s extremely paranoid, Matt, for making me take the final leap and actually join Blogger to rant about why everything I don’t like is so shitty.

Ps. All the fine drawings are done by Hugh Macleod from Gaping Void. He’s got a great blog and his drawings are absolutely amazing.

Waking Life

I don’t assume many of you have seen this one but hear goes.



A lucid dream is defined as “a dream state in which one is conscious enough to recognize that one is in the dream state.” Generally, it means that one not only realizes they are dreaming, but can will the dream to take any action they please. For example, in a lucid dream, one can fly, have sex with whomever they choose, or have whatever Jedi powers they’d like.

What a crock of shit.

This particular movie, Waking Life, deals with the subject of lucid dreaming but, as you can’t take “Kicking and Screaming” seriously, you ought not to take this movie’s view on “Lucidity” too seriously.

Directed by Richard Linklater, who also did School of Rock and Dazed and Confused, it’s hard to believe that this director is capable of dealing with such serious and thought-provoking subject matter as “Dream is Destiny” or “Death and Reality”. Although he may not have the skills, he certainly tries to take it on in this film.

The movie is quite well done, to be honest. It’s filmed and then animated over, giving it a certainly unique look and making it a rather interesting experience to watch. Basically a collection of different interviews with different people discussing philosophy and psychology, the movie’s animation gets looser and tighter (I know what you’re thinking), based on the extremity or believability of the various interviewees. Often it’s difficult to make out where the face is on a particular character, where it’s occasionally possible to name the exact actor in other scenes.



If this movie is a tribute to the great life philosophers and philosophies of the past however many years, then it’s a great movie. If this movie is a collection of various philosophies that Richard Linklater claims as his own ideas, then this movie is a piece of shit. I view this film as a limited encyclopedia. It’s the views of Plato, Nietzsche, Dostoevsky, Aristotle, and DH Lawrence to name a few, crammed together in an hour and a bit of rotoscoped originality.

It could likely be considered pseudo-intellectual (Eg. Elephant) but it’s not half bad, if you don’t take it for face value.

"The idea is to remain in a state of constant departure while always arriving."

Ps. The one month mark is coming up, I’m taking requests for the June 27th posting. What would you like reviewed?

Amelie/Love Me If You Dare

The French are good for one thing, romantic comedies. That’s not saying that the French aren’t useless, they are, but their take on romance in cinema is far beyond the usual romantic comedy formula we see in North American movies to date.

This post was actually a request from my mulatto brotha’ frum anotha’ motha’ “Singul Mather” (please don’t kill me, big guy) but since I haven’t seen Amelie in ages, I decided to couple it with a review of another fabulous romantic comedy by the Frogs.

Amelie –


Audrey Tautou. What a fucking cutie. It makes me sick. The entire movie depends on this girl’s absolutely incredible acting. The girl has a whimsical curiosity about her, a real presence. Let’s not forget the genius of the actual story. I mean, a love story told by the French is a true fairy tale. The colours, the characters, the odd bouts of animation, Amelie’s cute quirks, and the narration are something to be marveled. When this movie came out, everyone suddenly became “cultured” and “into” foreign films. Well, if this is the only foreign film you see, that’s alright with me, it’s a good one.



Love Me If You Dare–


Certainly less popular than Amelie but hardly inferior, this film is so fabulous. This ranks up there as one of the most original love stories I’ve seen in film, close behind Pearl Harbour. Again, the movie relies much on the acting and also includes small bits of animation and is narrated. (I tend to have a liking for narrated films.) The movie begins with a game of “Dare” between two children, that continues throughout their entire life, making it difficult for any real emotions to develop. Rather than the usual 5-minute argument in any She’s All That love story, the anger and ugliness in this film doesn’t go away, it’s a main character. Both movies are hilarious, sad, depressing, inspiring and on and on.



North American Romantic Comedies –

Don’t freak out on me. I know that not ALL North American romantic comedies run like this and I know that not ALL foreign romantic comedies don’t, I’m clearly making a generalization.

Girl and Guy meet.
Girl and Guy fall in love.
Girl and Guy have some sort of secret or lie between them.
Girl or Guy finds out the secret or lie in a big dramatic scene.
Girl or Guy runs away in a fit of anger or sadness.
Girl or Guy runs after the sad one.
Girl and Guy make up.
Girl and Guy live happily ever after.

Example: How To Lose a Guy In 10 Days, She’s All That, Along Came Polly, Pretty Woman, You’ve Got Mail, Rock Star, Pearl Harbour, 10 Things I Hate About You, The Princess Diaries, Bridget Jones’s Diary, Shallow Hal, The Wedding Planner, Chasing Liberty, Simply Irresistible, Almost Famous, Josie and The Pussycats, A Walk To Remember, Life Or Something Like It, 28 Days, Hitch, Bubble Boy, Empire Records, Closer, Sweet November, Chasing Amy, About a Boy, Save The Last Dance, Love Actually, Maid in Manhattan, How To Deal, Runaway Bride, The Good Girl, Two Weeks Notice, Jersey Girl, and shall I go on?

They’re made to make money and they make it, so be it.

Ps. Pearl Harbour is quite possibly the worst movie in existence.
Pps. This makes the Negro community and I even.

www.TShirtHell.com

Many of the fine folks I bless with my presence know about my devout love for an apparel company called T-Shirt Hell. The fine folks also know about my recent and devout hatred for the company, as shown with my msn nickname “Suck my cock, t-shirt hell”. I’d like to publicly announce my newest realization: I love T-Shirt Hell!

I found this company online a few years ago and instantly fell in love. Many of the people that (still) talk to me are well aware of my rather offensive sense of humour and I tend to pride myself on having “no line”. Any joke has the potential of being funny. Whether it be a joke about a deaf, dumb and blind kid getting cancer, an African American fellow getting arrested or a classic sex-with-minors joke, it’s simply about timing, execution and having a worthy audience.

Just because a joke has something to do with you directly, doesn’t mean it’s not funny. I can’t even count the abundant amount of e-mails that t-shirt hell has received (they’re posted on the site) that go off about “Well, the shirts about black people were super funny but cancer? My mom died of cancer, please stop making shirts about it”. Let’s stop fooling ourselves; if you’re a racist, you don’t have the right to get offended by dead mom jokes. You’re either in or you’re out. You’ve either got a line, or you don’t.

The site features a “Worse Than Hell” section where all of the potentially extremely offensive shirts are stored. I have lost many “friends” because of the Worse Than Hell section and so I was thoroughly disappointed when the entire section was taken down.

Ok. I wasn’t disappointed. I was steaming fucking mad.

The section was taken down because “people were needlessly offended” by the shirts in there. This meant that T-Shirt Hell had a line and I don’t believe in lines.

To make a long story somewhat shorter, the site was really taken down because someone poisoned the creator of T-Shirt Hell. I’m serious. What a joke.

A news report was posted on the site along with a notice from the creator himself explaining the entire issue and announcing the re-launch of Worse Than Hell. Along with the launch came six absolutely stunning t-shirts including “Dave Chappelle went back to Africa. One down.”

Aaron Schwarz, the creator, has decided that he is willing to be a martyr for free speech and for that, I thank him. My baby is back!

Visit the site.
Subscribe to the rudest and most entertaining newsletter in existence.
Buy shit.
Buy shit.
Buy shit.

Censorship is obscene.

The Princess Bride/Saw/Cary Elwes

Why bother reviewing such a timeless classic that deserves nothing but the kindest words to describe it?

Cary Elwes.
What a train wreck.

Cary Elwes was the fine figured, quick-witted gentleman better known as Westley. The true hero, the real prince, the love of every young girl’s life, the envy of every beau of Princess Buttercup, Westley was hot shit.



I’ll be honest: I’ve probably seen about 4½ movies that Cary has been in, and usually I wasn’t even aware that it was him. Then came Saw.

I heard about Saw ages before it came out, long before it was in film festivals and I was beyond excited about it. I sent everyone to see the wicked trailer with the reverse bear trap that tears that woman’s jaw apart, and the psycho puppet that still laughs nightly in my dreams and I got everyone else equally as pumped about the flick.

For the record, Saw is a good movie.

But what the fuck is with Cary Elwes? He was “Lawrence”, the cheating, paler than a ghost, doctor with the off/on English accent. Baby, honey, sweetie, you let me down. The only “name” in this movie and he turns out to be the worst thing to happen to it.

The plot, the idea, the story… the entire thing is absolutely brilliant (that can apply to both movies), but the core difference between the two movies is that in one Cary Elwes steals my heart, and in the other, Cary Elwes shits all over it with his crappy accent.



What an insult to an amazing movie.

At various points throughout Saw, we witness some heart-wrenching screams for help, some bad red eye shadow (he’s tired), and some “I’ll never let go, Jack” titanic moments. And just imagine how his ten dollar acting school skills pay off when he has to saw off his own foot!



Oh come on, like you didn’t know that was gonna happen.

Ps. I own both of these movies, so I’m not talking too much shit.
Pps. There is a Saw 2 in the making.
Ppps. The soundtrack to Saw is amazing. It’s all done by Charlie Clouser, formerly of Nine Inch Nails.

The Machinist

It's as simple as this:



Go rent The Machinist.

Dogville

Let's move on, folks.

Maybe I should actually finish watching this movie before I review it. Or maybe they should actually have a SET to keep me entertained for an hour and fourty minutes.

Don’t get wrong, I’m all for artsy fartsy films, and I’m known for having quite a liking for them but this is a bit too far.

Nicole Kidman stars alongside Paul Bettany (Wimbledon, A Knight’s Tale) in the story of a woman who escapes gunshots and ends up in an incredibly tiny dead-end town surprisingly called Dogville. She meets this guy named Tom Edison and he tells her to stay in the town, the people don’t want her there because she’s a criminal, he convinces them that she’s safe and then I turned it off.

It doesn’t sound half bad, right?

Yes, it does, but not only does it SOUND awful, it IS awful. The movie is filmed like a play. It’s on a sound stage of sorts with the houses, trees, mines, dogs and so on DRAWN onto the stage.

Am I joking?

No. I’m not joking.

It’s like a blueprint. There are no doors or walls in the film, the actors simply knock at thin air. Wait a second, this movie is starting to sound familiar. Oh yeah, I did this in grade 8 drama class at my low budget school that offered 3 electives.

Lars Von Trier blew me away with “Dancer in the Dark” (which you should see), but fell shorter than a midget with this one.

Oh, and I hate Nicole Kidman.

People Who Take Things Too Seriously

Are you JOKING?

This blog has been up less than a week and there’s already a hit out for my life?

Two negative comments were made towards my blog in the past few days. I feel, rather than replying to each individually, I should make a post out of it. I’m doing this so that any future complaints will be answered in a respectful and calm fashion.

The first, about Star Wars, was unintelligible so instead of including the original, I included my rewritten version:
"Well, clearly this joker has no life, no sense of irony and no imagination. You're the kind of person that likes to critique everything and write it off as lame. Movies aren't always supposed to be life changing. In fact, this series was so far ahead of its time, that if you don't appreciate it, then you are the typical geek that we talk about. You might as well go watch a Michael Moore movie, or choose a Ford Focus instead of a Shelby because it is more economical. Come join the living and get over your depression." – Anonymous

And the second, about Kicking and Screaming:
“Does anyone in here know anything about the term, "target demographics?" Well obviously not. This "movie" was not intended for an intellectually mature audience, and apparently, neither is this review. It's a "family movie" you morons. It's intended to yield profits off the original fiscal investment. Get over it. Not all movies are intended to be legitimate forms of artistic and/or social commentary. This is NOT, I repeat, NOT, a movie to be taken seriously. If you don't understand that, you may want to keep your elementary opinions to yourself. Just so you know, there are hundreds of terrible movies made every year with the intentions of making money. What's next, a review on the new Britney Spears album? Let me guess, "it sucks." What a revelation. A wise man once said, "Don't speak your opinions on subjects you know nothing about." Heed his words.” – Stating The Obvious

Firstly, everyone needs to understand something: The new Britney Spears album does not suck but I don’t believe it’s her best to date. I personally enjoyed “Britney” much better than “In the Zone” and it’s a shame she released a Greatest Hits so early in the game. “In The Zone” had too many gimmicky voice alterations for my liking. “Britney” seemed raw, the true Britney Spears exposed for the world to gander at.


Secondly, Michael Moore is a fat ass.


Thirdly, I am not an intellectually mature audience.

Fourthly, and most importantly, this blog is hardly a social commentary. This blog is where I can grab freedom of speech by the balls and slam it against the wall. Are my opinions wrong? They’re opinions, “Stating the Obvious”, they can’t be wrong.

Lastly, Kicking and Screaming was a pile of shit and if that’s what is being presented to the target audience, well then I apologize to the children on behalf of Lars Ulrich or whatever the hell the director’s name is.

If you don’t like my clearly biased opinion of movies, music, food, people, inanimate objects or anything else I can muster up, then don’t read them. We’re given the freedom of speech and the freedom of choice. If you choose not to listen to what I say, I won’t lose sleep.

For those of you who love me and my stuck up “intellectually mature” opinions, stick around.

Oh, and this is NOT, I repeat NOT, a blog to be taken seriously. If you don't understand that, you may want to keep your elementary opinions to yourself.

Ps. Don’t comment saying that Lars Ulrich did not direct “Kicking and Screaming”. I know he didn’t. I wrote a post on it less than a week ago.

Star Wars: Episode III

I fully intended to review the new Star Wars movie without ever seeing it, or any other Star Wars movie ever made.

It would have been a hilarious, well written commentary on the fans, the creator, and the movies themselves but alas, The King has beat me to it.

I could never challenge Maddox, so go read his article, bitches.

Palindromes

Both the movie and review for this one will be a tad more serious than the previous, but only because Todd Solondz is a God among men and deserves the utmost of respect.


Todd Solondz has blessed the movie-viewing world with just four films that he is proud to say are his. His first, Welcome To The Dollhouse, continues into his latest, Palindromes. The continuation of the story is likely a salute to the Solondz fans that have stuck with him from the start and to the characters of Dollhouse.

Using many different actresses to play the main character, Aviva, worked brilliantly. Although many complained that it was pointless or confusing, I felt it was important to show Aviva as she was intended to be, an every-American girl.

The movie is a beautiful portrayal of self-discovery. We watch as a dozen young women go through the trials and tribulations of growing up wanting to love something and be loved in return.

Connecting Welcome To The Dollhouse to Palindromes was one of my favourite features of the film. Specifically, bringing in the character of Mark Weiner, likely based on Solondz himself, gave the movie a whole new element of dry and sarcastic humour.

As always, Todd Solondz exposes issues like abortion, child sex, and rape by stomping on them, rather than dancing around them. The movie is provocative and will offend most people but that just means you don’t “get it”, man.

I love you, Todd Solondz.


Ps. The next movie is AWFUL, so the review won’t be as serious.
Pps. Pedophiles love kids.